What Does That Mean?
“But what does that mean?” is my favorite line of questioning to get to the heart of what I truly desire and I want to share this self-coaching technique with you.
It’s important to recognize that the first thought you usually have about something is an emotional response that you’ve conditioned yourself to have. The situations that we face are neutral until we apply a feeling to it, at which point we have “thoughts”. These thoughts are responsible for spiral thinking, shame, and pity parties - all of which are valid, but relatively unproductive. If you are interested in learning a trick to understanding why the thoughts are what they are, you can apply the “But what does that mean?” method of thinking!
Here are some examples of Top Level Thoughts:
I look disgusting.
I am poor.
I am bad at math.
I am a terrible mom.
I’m not creative.
Again, these thoughts are valid (because they are happening) HOWEVER, they are not helping you to understand why you think them. It’s also important to understand that these thoughts rarely pop up on their own - they are usually instigated by something you saw, experienced, witness, or perceived. Your body responded to a situation with a feeling (anxiety, bitterness, jealousy, anger, shame, etc.) and this feeling pushed a thought to the surface - the thought is the TOP LEVEL of your BELIEF SYSTEMS.
Using the “But what does that mean?” method of self coaching, I personally like to write this out as if I am having a conversation with someone, but you could also just talk to yourself out loud depending on your preferred method of communication. I will ask “But what does that mean?” AT LEAST 5 times to get to the heart of what I am actually feeling. This allows us to work through different “levels” of your thought!
Here’s an example straight from my journal:
“I looks so gross in this image.”
What does that mean?
“That means that my tum is too big and I can see all of my skin texture and the random bump on my head.”
What does that mean?
“That means that I am unhealthy and aging and not taking care of myself”
What does that mean?
“That means that what they say is true - I am fat and unhealthy.”
What does that mean?
“That means I have ‘Let myself go’”
What does that mean?
“I am not as strong or beautiful as I used to be.”
What does that mean?
“I am afraid of getting old and needing to rely on other people.”
What does that mean?
“I will have to ask for help and be an inconvenience.”
What does that mean?
“People will say no and I will be alone.”
As you can see, my dislike for the way I look in a photo had literally nothing to do with how I looked in the photo - it had everything to do with my FEAR of how I interpreted the way I looked (which is based in beliefs that have been conditioned by society, media, growing up, etc. - they aren’t necessarily true) By sticking with the method of asking the same question - ESPECIALLY WHEN I WANT TO DISTRACT AND SAY “I DON’T KNOW” - I am able to get to the heart of the issue and see my beliefs:
-I think I am an inconvenience to people
-I think that being fat and unhealthy is morally wrong
When I can see these beliefs, I can ACKNOWLEDGE these beliefs. When I acknowledge them, I can work on them.
But if I stay with the top level thought, what do you think the outcome will be?
Probably never taking photos of myself or being on camera, disliking what I see in the mirror, and continuing the self fulfilling prophecy of ‘being an inconvenience’ and not asking for help, and therefore never putting myself first to take care of me.
Hopefully this little trick will help you work through some of your own thoughts to get to the heart of what you are ACTUALLY worried about! Let me know how it goes on social instagram by tagging @terihofford !!
