Question for Ya
Y’all know I’m a sucker for some curiosity, so I thought I would share some of my favorite questions that I use when coaching myself or others to help me get closer to the answer / a solution or simply through a feeling. Here are 10 of my favorite questions!
Feel free to copy these questions to your notepad so if you ever get stuck you can refer back there (or just copy this link and come back to this post - I won’t say no!)
What am I making that mean?
This question helps me rationalize that whatever I am feeling, there is a thought I am having that is creating that feeling. For example, if I am having feelings of jealousy towards someone else I am able to ask “What am I making this mean?” because the person I am jealous of is not good or bad, they are a neutral statement, but what I am THINKING about them is what is making the feeling of jealousy - so if I can figure out what I am really jealous of, I can get to work on bringing that into my own life.
2. Who taught me this?
This is a particularly good thought when you are having negative thoughts about yourself/your behaviors. The shame we feel for ourselves usually stems from something we learned early on in our lives - if we can understand that while we may be perpetuating the thought, it wasn’t always ours to begin with and we can get rid of it.
3. I am seeing all the problems, how many different solutions can I create?
I actually love this question because my brain NEVER runs out of options - however, when I coach individuals who are naturally inclined to seeing problems, this question helps them turn their “weakness” into a strength by focusing on solutions instead of helplessness. Looking for solutions also keeps your pre-frontal cortex online when your emotional brain wants to run away with you!
4. Am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired?
The first time I hear the H.A.L.T. method I was skeptical, but in true curiosity form I decided to try it whenever I felt emotionally unregulated. Sure as shit - 95% of the time my emotional thoughts and thus, behaviors, were being fueled by a stress state created by being hungry, angry, lonely, or tired!
5. What thought is going to help me feel the way I want to feel?
All thoughts are created - the good, the bad, and the ugly. But what this tells us is that we CAN create the thoughts that help us instead of the ones that harm us. For me, repeating “I am safe, I am supported, I am loved” helps calm my anxiety down when I start to stress or feel flighty!
6. How would I respond to my child/best friend if they were feeling this way?
I love this question because it immediately takes you outside of the feeling to be able to look at it a bit more objectively. If your kid was losing their shit and feeling bad about their body, would you make them feel MORE shame for feeling that way? Or would you have compassion for them and educate them on WHY they are feeling the way they are and soothe them? If your best friend was talking about feeling guilty about not being productive would you tell her “You lazy bitch, get back to work” - probably not. You’d probably remind her that rest is important and she’s doing the right thing by listening to her body.
7. What does it feel like in your body RIGHT NOW?
This question I ask to bring myself into the present to pay attention to the physiological symptoms that my thoughts are creating - anxiety = rumbly tum, fear of rejection = loud and fast heart rate, nervousness = jittery skin, etc. This allows me to recognize when the thoughts are happening and every time I recognize this I become more attuned to the circumstances that bring my body to this place. Then I launch into the next question….
8. When have you felt like this before? What were you doing, who were you with, how did it turn out?
This question gives me a moment to reflect and see where the original stress response started. Did I feel this way in the past when my sibling made me feel bad for being myself? Did I feel this way before when I was in a situation that didn’t turn out super great? Did I feel this way in the past when my parents would fight and put me in the middle? What was the outcome of those situations and is it possible my body is trying to warn me from them happening again? At which point, I can remind myself “I am safe, I am supported, I am not 8 anymore, etc.”
9. Is this good for ME or good for my EGO?
That blasted EGO. Though she is useful to help us move through our boundaries and take on challenges, she can get in the way and cause to fall into behaviors that we no longer need in an effort to protect who we THINK we need to be instead of who we are. I find my ego most present when I feel lonely and bored - in an effort to make her feel “satisfied” I will buy things, say things, do things that are not in alignment with who I want to be. I will give things away so people will like me, I will buy things so people will like me, I will say YES to things so people will like me, etc. So by asking the question “Is it good for me or good for the ego?” I am essentially pressing pause to make a CRITICAL decision instead of a default one. Even if I still choose to satisfy the ego, I can be confident that I chose it.
10. What do you need right now to feel safe?
This is a great question to ask when your mind starts to spiral - by asking questions you are engaging the critical thinking part of your brain which is essentially the brake pedal to the fear center (the gas pedal). This allows you to step in and listen to what your body needs: to leave the party, to get a breath of fresh air, to drink a glass of water, to tense up your whole body and then release, etc. When our minds spiral (and thus, we do) that is our sign that FEAR HAS ENTERED THE CHAT and we need to do what we can to minimize the fear (unless there is a legit threat).
