Cues

Yesterday I ate constantly throughout the day despite being full.
This isn’t uncommon behavior for me because my default behaviors include some form of excess (shopping/food/social media) to numb, control, or distract.
This is my pattern and I’ve come to recognize it.
But just because I recognize it, doesn’t mean I am immune to it.
I had a hard day where my empathic self took on the brunt of a lot of folks’ issues - particularly from those I care about.
Now, this is my “gift”, I think - but it doesn’t make it any less heavy.
I’m at this place with my self awareness where I can almost step outside of myself to watch my behaviors without interrupting them -
I saw myself force food into my mouth despite my tum becoming distended.
I saw myself mid binge, with my hand in the cracker box realizing I didn’t even know how many handfuls I had just had:
3? 5? 10?
I recognized it.
But I didn’t stop it.
Earlier in the morning upon having a difficult conversation with someone I love, I knew my day was going to be hard and I knew that I would fall into my pattern.
I could feel it in the way my heart raced
My thoughts got jittery
My brow furrowed
and I could hear the blood pulsing in my ears
Tunnel vision
The cues were there
and I was able to step outside of myself enough, however, to prevent myself from falling fully into the system -
I changed part of my behavior (yay!) and instead of giving into the bait as I normally would do in an effort to protect my status as the kind, caring, good girl - I set a boundary
It was hard
and uncomfortable
and necessary
so I ate.
The thing is, I would have eaten anyway - in fact, I might have even eaten MORE had I stepped over my own boundary to cave to the situation.
So I am going to call that a win.
Being able to recognize what it feels like before I am about to spiral has become one of the most important tools I have learned for myself - it stops me from becoming someone I no longer want to be or worse, someone I definitely am not but will become when pushed too far.
While I ignored my fullness cues,
I listened to my emotional cues.
Perhaps next time I will be able to do both,
but perhaps not -
either way I will take the win where I can
and understand that I am not a bad person for eating through my feelings,
or stuffing down emotions that weren’t even mine to begin with.
I am simply a human who has had 35+ years of default behaviors and understand that it’s going to take time to remake them into new ones - and every difficult experience is an opportunity to see, feel, and react to the cues my body is sending me.
I used to think if I could numb the feelings then they’d go away,
but just like taking Advil for cramps,
they don’t go away,
the pain is still working away below the surface
and will come back again.
So, now I challenge myself when I am confronted with heavy emotional shit
to face the emotion I am feeling:
frustration, sadness, anger, hurt, fear, loneliness, emptiness, etc.
If it’s still too much,
I will numb it - but I know now what it FEELS like,
so I can see it coming in the future and hopefully shift the pattern of behavior.
Whether its recognizing the fullness cues
The emotional cues
The mental cues
The physiological cues
Sometimes I will have the emotional capacity to be able to look it in the face with conviction and say
”Not today, Satan, that’s not who I want to be in this moment”
but other times I won’t
and both times I am worthy.
Because each time, regardless of the outcome,
I am strengthening my ability to recognize, interpret, and then make critical decisions instead of letting the ol’ emotional brain hijack the situation out of fear.
So, yesterday I ate until I was beyond full
Today I will reflect with compassion and come up with a plan for next time,
and while I may give in to the default behavior in the future
having a plan, a system, a strategy will provide me with a wee bit more grounding,
so that I might become capable of choosing a new behavior
the next time I recognize the familiar cues rise up within me.