Of Course It’s Easy For Her…
I remember looking at this amazing life coach who seemed to have everything together. I listened to her podcasts and every time she would mention her success, whether financial or just personal I felt this squidginess rise up in my chest and to move it away I would find myself thinking things like:
“Well, of course it’s easy for her…”
“I wish I could do what she’s doing.”
“That’s great for her - but I couldn’t do it…”
What I was doing was essentially downplaying her hardwork AND convincing myself that I wasn’t capable - both of these are not great things to do. This is what we call a fixed mindset. Looking back on my life, I can see a lot of instances where a fixed mindset stopped me before I even started. In fact, the last 2-3 years has been a lot of fixed mindset stopping me from making the necessary changes in my business to improve my overall health and well being.
I convinced myself that a life that is easy is just not for me - a life that is financially abundant and full of time off for creativity is not in the cards. But I think a big part of this is because of the culture I grew up in on the farm. Life WAS hard. Finances WAS hard. Relaxing WAS impossible. So the story I convinced myself of was that is just the way it has to be and when I would see other folks doing the opposite, I would get jealous…..well, mad. Until I recognized just how much this was stopping my success in business - I started creating my reality: I made things harder than they had to be. I refused money that was being offered to me. I didn’t rest because I thought that was “the easy way out”.
But now I see this happening when people see me.
People get mad that I am fat and successful. Fat & happy. Fat & confident. Me existing in a glorious life contradicts the story that we have been fed our whole lives about what it means to be fat. Just like the folks who had created these amazing lives for themselves - it contradicted MY story that work has to be hard and money has to be tight and relaxing can’t be a thing. Contradictions to the stories and identities we hold so tightly can make us feel mad, bitter, jealous, and feel that life is unfair…IF we have a fixed mindset. If we adopt a growth mindset, however, we wouldn’t be mad or jealous or wishing for what I have, instead we would follow the lead of the other person, recognizing that they are role modeling how tos a lot of the time. We could read the books they read, go to bed when they go to bed, have tough conversations like they do, ask for what we want, take the courses they teach and do the actions and reach out to ask “Hey, I see you are where I want to be….how did you do that?”
Many of us limit our possibilities because we don’t think we deserve or are capable of achieving certain things and so we write ourselves off and then when other people inevitably take the chance on themselves we feel shame and guilt, which manifests as anger and jealousy. Simply put: We want what they have.
But with a fixed mindset we are unable to move forward. It keeps us stuck on the “judger path” - judging the person and judging ourselves. It keeps us believing that people’s success or accomplishments is due to luck and circumstance more than hardwork and effort. In some cases, this IS the case - luck and opportunity and privilege DO play a role, but there has to be some level of hard work, creativity, talent, effort, etc. put forth in order for it to be sustainable. A fixed mindset reaffirms the story that we are inferior and almost puts others into a superhero category - this allows us to think of ourselves as different than them and keeps us stuck in the old, but comfortable, story.
Whenever my sister comes to me and asks for help, most of my suggestions involve the long game and taking risks (both things she is more averse to) and her frustration eventually boils down to her yelling at me that “It’s easy for me to say because I have a husband who makes good money and I have no kids” And this used to hurt me because she was using a fixed mindset to try to other herself, but in doing so she was judging me for having the life I have. The last thing you want is to be judged by someone you love. Once I realized that her outburst wasn’t about me and instead it was about her fixed mindset. We all make sacrifices to achieve the lives we want. I sacrificed having kids so that I could have freedom. She sacrificed a little freedom to have kids. Neither is better than the other - but in the moment that she is frustrated with her situation, it’s easier to shed judgement on me than to look at her own life and choices and deal with her reality. I used to do the same thing, just less viscerally and more to people on the internet that live the lives that I think I desire - just like that life coach I mentioned at the beginning.
By assuming that my success is purely predicated on my husband and his job, it takes away any success that I have achieved through my hardwork, choices, strategy, and saving. It also others her, making it impossible for her to look at the ways in which I was able to achieve the thing she desires.
If she had, however, asked me “Hey, I see that you have XYZ, what steps did you take to do that?” then she’d be opening herself up to possibility and understanding that she can also have whatever it is that she sees me having.
I also notice it in myself when I receive criticism. My fixed mindset is rooted in the story that I have to be the smartest on and the right one in the room. People look to me for advice, so I can’t possibly be wrong or say I don’t know! Receiving feedback is hard for me because I take it more personally than I should and part of this is because of the pressure I put on myself and the defense mechanism I created - but without feedback, we truly can’t grow. I see this same behavior in my mom who always says No to the first idea and then eventually comes around to it. We have to have credit for the idea and if someone gets to it before we do, we feel squidgy.
Doing this transition from photography business to online coaching & retreats was TERRIFYING for me and the fixed mindsets were abundant. I came up with every reason why I couldn’t, shouldn’t, not possible. I looked at other people doing something similar and said “Well, people are already doing it…” All of this bullshit was just a procrastination technique because I was scared. I told myself “They are more professional” “Of course, that’s great for their life…they live in XYZ…” “They already had a built in community….” Our brains are ready and waiting to find evidence for whatever story we want to tell ourselves - so that’s exactly what mine did. Showed me that everyone else could do it…but not me…because I’m sooooooo special. Silly brain.
So, how do we switch from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset?
The first thing we have to do is recognizing when and where do I see this happening. Simply bring awareness to the context/situations that tend to bring jealousy, frustration, anger to the forefront and then examine what you say to someone else or what you say to yourself about the other party.
If you are using phrases like:
“I can’t because…”
“They are so lucky to have…”
“That’s great for them, but it’s just not possible for me…”
“What do they know. They aren’t a professional like me…”
Then you have a fixed mindset and it might be impacting your life and business. It shuts you off from new ideas and pursuing your goals.
Once you recognize when you do it and what it sounds like, then you can do a simply redirect of the statement.
Instead of:
“Lucky them” ask “I’m curious what steps they took to get there?”
“It’s not possible for me” say “If they can do it, I can do it! It just proves it can be done!”
“I can’t because…” becomes “It’s going to be difficult, but if I work at it it will get easier.”
“What do they know?” can shift to “Thank you for the feedback. I will definitely take that into consideration.”
These simple shifts will take you from being judgy to being curious and allow you to start problem solving to work your way to getting what you want. This is also a great skill to teach kids if you are around them. Because they have a harder time with emotional regulation and critical thinking, this is the best time for us to teach them how to redirect thoughts from being judgy and harmful to being uplifting and helpful. Shifting from Fixed to Growth mindsets is one of the best ways for us to increase our confidence and self esteem and motivate ourselves to taking the necessary action to achieve the goals we have set out for ourselves.
And since this is the season for resolutions and goal setting, take a look at what you are hoping to accomplish and see if there are any F’d mindsets getting in the way of your progress? Did you discount yourself before you started?
