Let’s Talk About The 6 Ft Unicorn in the Room

It burns like a fire deep in your chest - you know what I’m talking about, right?
That sting of jealousy that hits your solar plexus and flairs out around your heart and into your throat, causing it to constrict and your mouth to get dry.
Say hello to the physiological symptoms known as: FEAR
Comparison is something that we all experience as it’s an evolutionary gift provided to us to ensure that we knew where we stood in the hierarchy and continued our lineage - which was great when that mattered - but now, it seems to be having the opposite effect.

Comparison as a human is hard, but as a creative dare I say it might be even more difficult because we want to see and be inspired by other works, but if your mind isn’t resilient enough to understand that there is room for all of us and our emotional regulation hasn’t evolved far enough for us to stay calm in the presence of jealousy and fear then we will find ourselves scrambling and reaching for anything to rid ourselves of the discomfort that comes with comparison.

I wanted mostly to talk about comparison as it relates to creative burnout because if you are someone who has found their validation in their work ethic, then you are going to turn to working as a means of escaping the discomfort and if you’ve chosen some other coping mechanism that isn’t working, you are going to feel shame that you AREN’T working in or on your business - both of these will not lead to great outcomes. Trust me, I know.

I want to talk to you about the 6 Foot Unicorn in the room.

In 2019, I was still in my burnout phase: knowing I wanted something desperately to change, but not knowing how to shift because the validation I was getting from my career was so satisfying (fleetingly). I was travelling a lot for teaching and speaking engagements and therefore, I was away from my business a fair amount which meant that I wasn’t getting as many inquiries as I used to.

Cue the thought: No one is booking me.
Which triggers the belief: No one likes me anymore
Which is the catalyst for the behavior: In this case, it started with scrolling social media to dissipate the feeling: Because I was on planes and in airports and in Ubers and hotels I had a lot of time to spend on facebook and instagram (this was before I took them off my phone) as such I was seeing all of my boudy colleagues talking about their immense success and all their new studio purchases of glorious wardrobe, furniture, and spaces. I attributed their monetary success to the stuff they were showing. I saw their glowing client testimonials and incredible work that they were putting out and using that fixed mindset I talked about last week I convinced myself if I had just the right stuff THEN I would be successful and valuable too, right?

I remember thinking I needed something exceptional and wild that would WOW people into thinking that my space was incredible and the experience was beyond their wildest fantasies:

Enter a 6 foot Unicorn from Home Depot.

I saw it somewhere on the internet and said AHA! That will be the thing! That will get people in the door! (I’m literally giving myself second hand embarrassment writing this out) Now, I wasn’t home so I called Jill and I said “I NEED YOU TO GO GET THIS $250 UNICORN RIGHT NOW. IT CAN’T WAIT!” (yes it could have) It’s all I could think about and my hyper focus had taken over - I was CONVINCED - CON.VINCED. that this would be the ticket.

Fast forward to a week later when I got home and this box with a unicorn waiting to be assembled was waiting for me. Well, they don’t tell you that, sure, it’s 6ft long, but it’s also about 8ft wide with a wingspan and in a 734square foot space full of other shit, it took up a lot of space. The next day I walked in and saw that stupid Unicorn just looking at me and my stomach dropped: what the fuck was I thinking? The shame of a binge purchase rushed up to my face and I felt absolutely sick. What….was happening? Why did I waste $250 on this? I was embarrassed just looking at it. It got to the point where I dismantled it and returned it after 3 days.

That’s when I realized just how much comparison was driving the bus for how I had been running my business.

Comparison is one of those sneaky things that a lot of the time we don’t even know its happening until it gets really bad and we do something to deal with the feeling (shopping, eating, drinking, excessive working, purging, etc.) and then we feel shame about the behavior, but we rarely look to see what drove us to that behavior in the first place. If you spend any kinda time on the internet, you’ve probably been sneakily attacked by comparison.

The fear that is wrapped up in comparison exists because of our evolutionary desire to fit in - if we didn’t fit in, we would diiiiie - which is why the feeling is SO fucking strong when it hits. When we experience this comparison/fear when we are excessively stressed out, we won’t have the emotional regulation accessible to be able to recognize it for what it is:

A message from our body telling us we : feel out of control, we want something someone else has, we are afraid of being left behind.

This is why we react instead of responding. Yet another reason for us to avoid burnout at all costs - because things like comparison and negativity bias are hardwired in us, we need to use the newest member of our brain gang, the pre-frontal cortex, to keep our critical thinking online - but when we are stressed beyond measure it turns off….kinda like your wifi going out.

So, what can we do with comparison? What can we do if we are in burnout?

1) Start deep breathing: Deep breathing is one of the most accessible ways to help us stay emotionally regulated and connected to reality. You’ve heard me say it before and you are most certainly going to hear it again and again and again: 4 counts to inhale, hold for 4, 4 counts to exhale, hold for 4 repeat until you feel your tunnel vision expanding.

2) Put your hand on your chest and repeat: I am safe. I am protected. Say it out loud will help with breathing. This mantra will remind your evolutionary self that your present self is quite capable of taking it from here. It’s you sitting with the feeling and say “Hey, I get it - you’re scared right now. But listen - we are safe. We are protected. We are supported.”

3)Once my body has calmed down - I can then backwards from the shame. With the 6ft Unicorn, I looked at it and felt squidgy - then I got curious:

Why do I feel squidgy about this inanimate, albeit cool object? What does it represent? (It represented my lack of willpower and the fact that I was ‘out of control’ and ‘not smart with money’ - essentially here you will find the start of your beliefs)

What was I trying to avoid by partaking in this behavior? (In this case shopping - I was able to recognize that I bought it because I was feeling insecure within my business and I don’t find value in myself, instead I think people value things over me).

Why was I feeling insecure in my business? (I was able to notice that I had been spending a lot more time looking at other people’s businesses instead of spending time at home growing my own - it was this question that allowed me to see that comparison was the catalyst for the purchase)

Again, it is completely natural for us to compare, but it can hinder the progress we want to make if we don’t use it as a blessing instead of a curse. If we use comparison to reinforce beliefs we have about ourselves, then it’s all downhill from there. You will either spend a lot of money, work until your health gives out, numb out in a myriad of other ways to ignore the feelings, or you will take on a pity party attitude that doesn’t help you look beyond yourself.

I see this time and time again, the amount of photographers that have created their businesses around other people’s aesthetics because they think that will be the thing that helps them bring in the clients, when all along, clients want it to be about themselves. I tell ya, when I had a second hand couch and dirty clawfoot tub, the images I was making were a hell of a lot more impactful and so was my connection than it was when I threw my client on an absolutely gorgeous set that took away from actually seeing her - plus the 6foot unicorn was a fucking eyesore.

At the end of the day, business is business and it can be seen as a game that involves a lot of tweaking and systems and trial and error and seeing what works and what doesn’t. That’s the fun of entrepreneurship - and the reality is, you will have slow seasons and busy season - it’s just the nature of the beast. But if you make it about you, then you won’t be able to move beyond it and use it as fuel you might find yourself face to face with a 6 ft unicorn that represents everything you hate about yourself.