If I didn’t know the world was so big, would I still feel so small?

Did you know that the feeling of loneliness/rejection/abandonment registers in the brain a similar way that physical pain does?

Maybe this explains why
the feeling of not fitting in
the feeling of standing out
the feeling of being out of the loop
or not in on the joke
can make us feel

so small.

I just find it so contradicting that feeling small

comes from such big feelings

Sometimes I wonder if the size of my body
is simply there to remind me
that I am bigger than I actually think.

But oddly enough,
The bigger I get,

the smaller I feel.

But that’s not my body’s fault.

I remember a time when I didn’t feel as small.

*as* being the keyword here, because the more I unravel, the more I realize I did - feel small, that is

I remember a time where the furthest my mind could travel
was understanding that there were 3000 people within my vicinity

Imagining you are 1/3000 isn’t hard to comprehend
The brain can experience that.

I can feel steadfast in my placement amongst 2999 other bodies
I may not be number 1, but I know that I have a place here.
My brain can experience that.

Now, however, I have access to billions of people at my fingertips.
And because my brain can’t fathom “billions” it sums it up to “all”:

All doing seemingly amazing things
All with shinier faces than mine
All with smaller bodies than mine
All with louder voices than mine
All with smarter brains than mine
All with more
money,
talent,
success,
luck,
confidence,
creativity,
aesthetics,
.
.
.
value.

And suddenly, the smallness I feel

becomes magnified

(again, how contradictory: the smaller I feel, the more I feel small)

how can one be both more and less at the same time?

So, in an effort to compete,
to, at the very least, fit in,
I become a cat on the defense,
I make everything about me

B I G G E R

to distract from the fact
that I feel small

I get louder,
I work harder,
I create more,
I show more skin,
I push my own boundaries,
I do what it takes to be seen

and when none of that works
it reinforces the underlying, albeit false (but very real!) belief
that I am
unseen
not important
insignficant
nothing
.
.
.
small

So, I wonder:
If I didn’t know the world was big,
would I still feel

so small?