I Went to Norway and Don’t Remember It
In September of 2018, my husband and I flew to London and then set sail for Norway. From what I do remember, we were on some bus tours, biked down a mountain, and bought a sweater in one of the towns…but to be honest, that’s about it. The only other thing I remember is the incredibly dark cloud that followed me the entire time. I felt sullen, sad, and heavy. Everyone that travelled with me pissed me off. I disliked having to sit at tables with people and the sounds and lights of the cruise ship were like nails on a chalkboard. I didn’t even take my actual camera with me and ended up taking photos with my phone most of the time if I took them at all.
It wasn’t until we reconvened with the other folks on the cruise later that year for a Christmas slideshow of our cruise adventure. The photos caused my heart to sink. I felt nothing but sadness for the girl in those images (if she was in them). The sparkle that once filled her eyes was gone. The smile was forced. My body had changed - but I wasn’t mad about that - I was mad that I had not listened to my body.
I. WAS. DEPRESSED.
These photos were the wake up call I needed.
I needed to see that I was still putting my value on something external - in this case it was my productivity and once again, my body became the battlefield.
That slideshow changed my life because had I not faced the reality of my life, I am certain I would not be here to write this today. My body was shutting down - fighting me and still, FOUR YEARS LATER I am still trying to heal. I also saw the connection between my body image journey: The more weight I lost, the more unhappy I became. In this case, the more money I made, the more unhappy I became. But it wasn’t about the weightloss OR the money. It was about ME. Me looking for validation and my value in my body and in my financial standing. I thought maybe if I had the right body THEN I wouldn’t experience sadness, pain, or fear. If I had just the right amount of money THEN I wouldn’t experience heartbreak, pain, or sadness. The world we lives in promises us that if we have the “right stuff” then we will take a first class trip off the human express - but it’s all a lie.
After I had that experience, I started to take a good hard look at what I was doing with my life. I was toiling away the hours to create a version of success that wasn’t mine. While I loved my craft and had an immense passion for photography and helping people, I had fallen out of alignment with why I started my work in the first place. How could I give energy and love and light to folks when I couldn’t give it to myself? What kind of role model was I being, encouraging folks to love themselves and empower themselves, when I was letting my boundaries erode and crumble? I was winning awards, travelling the world, teaching, speaking, had a fully booked calendar and very impressive bank account - but I was empty. I realized I had given into the hustle, the chase, the climb for success instead of staying focused on who I was serving in the first place.
So, I did what I normally do when I have an AHA moment. I kicked my own ass and said enough. I grabbed a journal and wrote down what success truly meant to me. I signed up for my Positive Psychology class which ended up being about 7 intensive months of therapy as I had to apply everything I was learning to myself. I was able to build my self awareness back up using the tools I was learning and in doing so, I could feel myself coming back - becoming aware of what needed to be done to keep myself from falling back into the old ways. Fast forward to 2020 and I was back to feeling confident and then the world shut down. This was my opportunity to explore the anxiety I felt around not being able to work…DURING A PANDEMIC. To really explore my inner child, my work style, my beliefs and stories around being a “hardworker” and desperately trying to avoid the word LAZY as a fat person.
I had the time and space to be able to find a rhythm that worked for me (3 weeks on 1 week off) and I started learning again. When I was working so much I “didn’t have time” for things like family, friends or learning. There was always something else to do. I forgot what it was like to learn and condense information and share it with others. I felt my creativity come back. I felt my love for life come back. I realized that I was trying to work outside of my strengths and my natural way of existing. I had to have a lot of hard conversations with myself and sit in the squidgy feelings that they all brought up - but it taught me to trust, to listen, and to take action in the direction of my ACTUAL version of success….even if it was different than everyone else’s. Once I got clarity on my life, I was able to look around and realize that I was not the only one desperately clinging to the helm of “success” as sold to us by society.
When I noticed the connection between diet and hustle culture I realized we needed a revolution that involved folks developing their critical thinking, their self awareness, and deepening their belief in themselves. This is why I created the Empowerment for Everybody course to help creative business owners bake sustainability and self care practices into their successful business empires and why I shifted almost all of my conversations to talk about the things that happen beyond the body, so that we can once and for all let our bodies just do what they are supposed to do: KEEP US ALIVE.
