Crumble

I remember this one time my husband told me that we were going on a cruise for 14 days through the Panama Canal. I could see how excited he was that we were going to be doing this trip and I feigned a smile and said “Will we have internet?”

Looking back I think how selfish I was to even be slightly inconvenienced by going on an amazing trip with my husband - but just like diet culture, hustle culture turns you into someone you don’t want to be. Someone who is reliant on the “system” to keep running or it would crash and burn.

In fact, running my business wasn’t the only place this showed up for me - when I think back to working in the drive-thru at Tim Hortons (a coffee shop - for my Non-Canadian readers) and I remember being so proud of myself for having an amazing system that ensured I would never run out of coffee - I had figured out how to time the pots just right to make sure I had one brewing while I was pouring from two. This is what made me efficient and effective….until I had to take a break. I had such a hard time taking a break because I knew that when I’d come back the person that covered for me “wouldn’t do it right” and it caused me a lot of stress. In fact, I probably overrode a lot of my breaks as a result of me thinking that “no one can do it like I can”. God forbid, I let someone help me or let me show them how I do it - no, by the time I was 18 I had already taught myself that I am an independent person that needs to get the accolades and validation for doing a good job. Like I was waiting for the CEO from Tim Hortons to give me a crown and sash for just doing my stupid job or something.

Funny how that stuff seems to follow us.

Yes, being an achiever is a great skill.
Yes, working hard and being efficient is fantastic.
But painting yourself into a corner of stress and anxiety as a result of your drive isn’t necessarily the best use of those talents, is it?

I remember thinking that if I took even one moment away from my business the whole thing would come crashing down like a house of cards and when my body inevitably had enough, I was pissed at it. I was mad that my body made me sick and took me away from my work. I was mad that I couldn’t even write a blog post or post to instagram when I was so fatigued and tired. I was frustrated that I couldn’t get back to work within 3 days of being sick. Like, what has happened to the world that we have taught ourselves to override our body’s natural rhythms and timelines just so we can make a few more bucks?

Then one day after realizing I truly was a workaholic - someone who was addicted to the stress and validation that being productive gave them - I realized I needed to change something and I also knew it wasn’t going to be easy. I mean, I have spent 38 years having it hammered into me that a productive life is a valuable life and then from the time I was 8 I adopted the narrative and reinforced it within myself.

But I realized that it couldn’t be that successful of a business if I stepped away and it crashed.
Like, it couldn’t be that good if all it took was one sick day.
It deserved to crumble if I couldn’t take a sick day or a vacation.
Because it wasn’t doing what it was supposed to do:

Provide me with a life I love and the freedom to do the things I love to do.

My business had shifted to becoming an all consuming entity and taking over every waking thought - I had no more friends outside of my colleagues and clients, I hadn’t seen my family, I had no more hobbies because I monetized them, and frankly, I hated what I was doing.

It deserved to crumble.

So here I am now.

Building once again. Building the LIFE I desire - not just the business.
Building slowly and intentionally, one brick at a time.
Checking in with myself when I feel overwhelmed to look at the context that made me say yes when I should have said no, instead of letting it go.

I’m taking the pieces of the photography business that served me and served me well, but now I will be putting those beautiful things into a new system - one that allows me ample time to rest, recuperate, live, explore, and have the creative freedom that my humanity requires of me to be able to show up and make an impact on this strange world. From the beginning I am starting with a support staff, folks and friends who tell me when enough is enough and help me take things off my plate before I even begin. Does this mean my revenue growth will be slower? Probably. But does this mean my life will have more quality? Absolutely.

So, if you find yourself in a stage where you can’t step away, take a break, or close your eyes for a second I am going to encourage you to let it crumble. Take the risk - you will either realize that you can in fact leave to experience life OR that you need to revisit the drawing board to create the business you desire - either way, it will be the necessary wake up call you - and your body - need.