Conversations With My Higher Self: Insecurity
Yesterday I was scrolling my instagram, taking in that daily dose of false dopamine when suddenly, I felt it bubble up.
The taste of resistance, defensiveness, and jealousy flooded my stomach, chest, and I could feel my brow furrow and my mouth turn down.
I hadn’t felt this way in a long time, so it seemed out of place and unusual for me to experience like I did.
And I did what most people do - I went down the rabbit trail to learn more about the thing that was causing my insecurity to stir up.
Instead of put the phone down and get back to work, I decided to spend the next 30 minutes clicking on photos, consuming content and becoming consumed in resentment.
”Who do they think they are?”
”Really? They think they can just come in here and do that?”
”Wooooooooow. Are they even experienced enough to do that?”
Ugh. Just writing that out fills me with disappointment that my brain even went there - but if there’s one thing I know, shaming myself for the feeling isn’t going to make it better - working through it will.
So, I caught myself in the scroll and heard what I can only presume is my higher self:
”What is this telling you about you?”
Fuck.
”Well, I guess it is telling me that I am insecure about what I am doing in that same realm”
”Okay, let’s go down that road shall we?”
No…..yes. Fine.
”What are you worried about if they do this thing? Because what they do has nothing to do with you…”
”Well, I’m worried that they will be better at it/have people that like them more/be more successful than me”
Higher self raises a cheeky eyebrow.
”Really? Fine - I’ll play this game: What would it mean if someone was better than you, more people like them, or were more successful than you?”
”I suppose it would mean that people would forget about me and I’d go out of business….and I’d be a failure.”
Higher self raises another eyebrow and sighs.
”Ooookay…now, first of all what would it mean if you were a failure?”
”Well, it would mean I’m not living up to my potential.”
”And what would that mean?”
”I’m a waste.”
”WHAT?”
”I’m a waste…”
”WHAT IN THE HOLY SCIENCE ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? How can you be a waste? A waste of what?”
”A waste of skin…air….people’s time…oh god.”
”What?”
”That’s what someone used to tell me when I was little…that I was a waste of skin and a waste of air.”
”And do you think that is actually true? That any human is a waste of skin, air or otherwise?”
”Goodness, no. Never.”
”Is it fair to say that this feeling you have, then, isn’t really present day you feeling it - but rather younger you?”
”Yes.”
”What would you say to younger you?”
”I can tell them they are safe. They are supported. They are loved. They are on their path. They are doing what they are meant to be doing. They need to keep their eyes on their own road. That there isn’t a limited amount of success or people or love in the world - that everyone deserves to do the thing they want to be doing. I can reassure her that what they are doing is wonderful for them and what we are doing is wonderful for us and we can support both - because imagine they are a little 10 year old as well - wouldn’t I want them to succeed? Wouldn’t I want them to know that they are valuable? Yes.”
I felt my brow soften, my jaw unclench, and my heart rate slow down. I put my hands to my heart and reassured myself that I was safe, supported, and loved. Conversations with my higher self allow me to rewire my neural pathways so that I can integrate healing my younger self with the ambitious current self so that I can move mountains instead of getting stuck in valleys.
