To Be (seen) or Not To Be (seen) - part 1

This is my question.

I find it fascinating the dichotomy of thinking that we want to be seen, but also are terrified of the sacrifice and responsibility that comes with it. When I say “be seen” I am referring to the idea that I want more people to know me so that I might be able to have a bigger, more profound impact than I currently am and when I say “be seen” I mean go full force into everything that I’m doing and not shy away from what other people might think of me.

But I do.

And I don’t think I am alone.

Now, some folks want to be seen simply to be famous or to be inspiring or to have their legacy live on - it doesn’t matter why, what matters is what we are doing about it. I realize there are many reasons why I am “afraid” of being seen:

-Good girls don’t cause trouble
-I might be wrong/look stupid
-Someone might confront me and tell my I’m doing things wrong
-People will comment negative things just because people are like that
-I grew up and currently exist in a fat body and I’ve been told that because I’m already taking up space, I should be invisible
-My character will be called into question
-It still won’t be enough for everyone
-I will gain noteriety and then eventually it will go away and I will be more depressed than if I ever had it in the first place

Now, if I actually look at these fears of mine, I notice something.
The thoughts are either rooted in the past OR projections of the future, but none of which exist in real time.
Cue anxiety.

Now, I currently have a following of 26k followers on instagram and while only a fraction of them are seeing my work or interacting, I can feel the mounting pressure. So many of us ache to have more followers, more eyes on our content, more people to share our words and stories and life with - but do we really?

As I’ve gained more acknowledgement for my work over the past 5 years I’ve recognized that I am both excited AND terrified. I try my best to set expectations that I am just a human, but being seen comes with others projecting whatever they desire onto you and as a former people pleaser & empath I want to make everyone happy - but in doing so I have made myself unhappy. Which is why I created a space like this - for folks who intentionally are willing to give me grace as a human and because of that, I am allowing you to SEE my humanity.

But I have a message for the world that can’t be contained by staying unseen - it just needs to be seen by the right people and the rest of the people just aren’t…my people.

I am learning how to keep my own peace, but also get uncomfortable when the situation calls for it.

I am learning how to take criticism but stay true to my character.

I am learning
because
I am human