What It Means to Be Normal

We try most of our lives to convince others that we are “normal” - ie. conforming to the set of rules put forth by those who came before us - and in doing so, many of us find ourselves moving away from our authentic selves. As we suppress parts of ourselves to avoid punishment and ostracization and emphasize others for reward we find ourselves accumulating a lot of shame, stress, and fear about shifting our identities, despite the fact that many of us will change our minds as we learn more and grow older.

First of all, we need to understand what NORMAL is before we can approach it from any direction - the way it’s defined is:

1.conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.

but as I kept reading through the various definitions, I ended up at this one as well:
noun: normal; plural noun: normals

1. 1.

   the usual, average, or typical state or condition.

   "her temperature was above normal"

   • informal

   • a person who is conventional or healthy.

And it was that last part that irked me a little bit, not because of the definition because of how people take that small suggestion and run with it to confirm their sizeist, ageist, ableist thoughts. First of all, there is no one way to be “healthy” and the fact that there are people trying to push this idea is part of why we have such an ableist, fatphobic, and health obsessed world. I think by now we know that A)there isn’t one way to look healthy and B)there isn’t one way to be healthy and in that case, as we get older and our bodies naturally start to shut down, suddenly, we aren’t normal anymore? What the hell?

But let’s go with this a bit more, to be normal is to conform to a standard - the usual, the typical or expected - but here’s the thing, what is usual, typical or expected today isn’t what was usual, typical or expected before….or was it just shoved underground? As our world increasingly becomes more and more open to different ways of existing and being (thanks to the internet and the prevalence of travel) we are seeing a lot more folks owning and embracing their differences loudly. Many people like to think that people are just starting to become these things, but the reality is, humans have been these things forever - just a lot of it was suppressed because of the threat of being ostracized or worse, killed, for existing as their most authentic selves. What was once considered freakish or weird is now considered normal as we became more and more used to the idea that different people have different life experiences and it is only those that cannot fathom having their very small belief system shaken, that hold tightly to the idea that certain people are weird or bad or different and not “normal”.

The problem with considering folks as “not normal”, however, is that it makes room and space for dehumanization to occur and dehumanization is one of the worst things we can do to our fellow humans. As someone who exists in a fat body, it is not uncommon for people to assume certain things about me - this one of the reason’s why folks who are considered “not normal” get paid less, get less opportunities, get traumatized more, etc. Our attempt to conform to “normal” only positions us to create intense biases against folks who do not nor cannot conform to the standard. We’ve also grown up learning the tools of our oppressors, meaning that we’ve learned a few lessons along the way:

1. Be “normal”
2. If you cannot be “normal”, you must make up for it in another way
3.While you are trying to make up for it, make sure you make it known that you subscribe to the system of conformity, even if you are on the outside, and think/believe so not great things about those who willingly exist outside of it. If someone is happily existing outside the standard, it is your job to make them hate themselves so much they eventually conform.

This can be summed up in the Crabs in a Bucket story - whenever a crab tries to get out of the bucket, the other crabs in the bucket will pull him back down, break his legs, and eventually kill him for going against the status quo. Instead of looking at that crab and saying “Hey! If he can do it, so can I”, crabs just keep beating the shit out of each other and to be honest, humans aren’t much different. While we have the prefrontal cortex part of our brain on our side (rational thinking), the reality is many of us don’t use it - a huge reason why the systems that be love to keep us poor, hungry, distracted, fearful - your prefrontal cortex goes offline when your amygdala is firing on all cylinders. This is one of the reasons why, when people leave me nasty comments or are just terrible humans, I try to infuse them with love and remember they are SCARED. Me existing in my large body in happiness is something they’ve been taught to fear - how sad is that?

But, this is why I do the work I do. The only reason we hurt other people is because we ourselves are hurting for not fitting into the societal standard of normalcy - because guess what, the only thing normal (according to the definition) is that there is no normal. Paradoxical, I know. But what this means, is that if we can come back to ourselves and each other, we can break down this notion that there is no one way for people to be, but rather we’ve just been taught that there is one way to be - by people who were taught that by people who were taught that etc. (Go back and read my essay on the Monkey study to learn more about this)

So, my encouragement is this - ask yourself “What have I learned about what it means to be NORMAL and what identities has that created within me and what identities do I attempt to avoid?” Personally, this is one reason I became the “good girl” - I grew up in what was perceived to be a “bad body” but I could make up for it by being good, dutiful, helpful, kind, extra nice, etc. This is also why I worked my ass off to show people that I wasn’t lazy or that I was a “goody fatty” eating the “right” kinds of foods. What I was doing was trying to conform despite my body not being able to. This is also why, when I was younger, I was also judgemental of people in larger bodies - because I hated my own. How dare they be happy and satisfied with their lives when I’m out here trying to do everything right? It wasn’t until I realized that was all a fruitless effort that I started the work to realize the lies I had been fed.

Now, at 40 I am beginning the process to undo all of those identities, taking them all off to figure out which ones feel right for me - the real me - and which ones were socialized identities that promised to keep me safe (which they did and didn’t). Removing the identities that were a safety net of sorts feels scary, but I know it’s necessary for me to let my freak flag fly, so to speak. The concept of normalcy as it relates to humans has been wildly pulled out of proportion thanks to someone’s confirmation bias - like, literally someone decided that the norm is Eurocentric beauty standards. Some random human, somewhere that had all the power and ability to kill anyone that went against him on it and we have continued to uphold this bullshit to this day. But that idiot was just a person, probably feeling what humans do (insecure, afraid, worried, stressed) and decided to take matters into his own hands. WELL, I’M TAKING MATTERS INTO MY OWN HANDS. Again, the only thing normal is that there is no normal when it comes to humans. Our cultures have thrived on diversity for sustainability and the fact that we are trying to standardize people is wild to me - that is the fastest way for a species to die. We need diversity.

Here are a few ways that I was able to broaden my acceptance of anyone and anything that exists outside of the framework of “normal” that we’ve been sold:

1. Read books, watch movies, listen to stories from folks who have different life experiences to me - understand that humans have always been diverse - if you can’t travel this is the next best way to learn about individuality (could this have anything to do with the book banning that’s being attempted right now?)

2. Travel. Get out of your town. Get out of your county. Get out of your city. Get out of your province or state. Get out of your country. And yes, I understand that these things cost money and yes, I understand that these things are uncomfortable - but save your money, just leave ONCE to somewhere that has people that live differently than you and be open to what you are seeing, experiencing and talk to the locals.

3. Work to coming back home to myself - the more I can accept the perceived darkness in me and humanize it, the sooner I can do that for others. The more I can realize that how other people choose to live their lives, in most cases, doesn’t have an affect on me. And when someone does make you feel some kinda way and you find yourself judging them (because that’s a common thing humans do) - ask yourself “What does what I think about them, reflect about me?” Other people are your mirror.

4. Remember as I once heard Ashley C. Ford say “Just because something is common, doesn’t mean it is normal.” Do not confuse common things as normal things.

5. Figure out where your adherence to the standard is getting in the way of your life and business - the first step is figuring out what thoughts/beliefs you’ve created about yourself due to striving for or not meeting the random standards set out by people that came before us. These will show up in your life and business.

Finally, how can you redefine normal for you? What is your standard for you? What do you expect of you? (and not because someone told you should when you were little) For me, I have redefined normal as being change. The only thing normal about me, the only thing I can expect from me - is that I am going to change, that the world is going to change, that things will change. My standard for myself is that I will allow myself to change as it is needed - to not resist against change, but rather, become a master of it. The only other expectation I have for myself is that I embrace myself with every action, thought, and behavior moving forward. That shame has no room to take root within me because the shame is not my tool, it is the tool of the person that create the idea of normalcy in the first place.

Let me know in the comments how you decide to redefine normal for you!