Blocks: Get that Money, Honey Pt 3
So far, we’ve chatted about what you want your money to do for you and where your money story began, now we have to look at how we perpetuate our money story so we can build awareness around our triggers in order to prevent them from blocking us from our goals!
Get Curious, Not Judgemental About Your Spending Behaviors
Again, if you know me, I am a HUGE advocate for self growth through curiosity. Judging your behavior and shaming yourself for your actions will NEVER result in long term changes. Think about dieting and the fact that 98% of diets don’t work because they are all shame based. Money is the same thing. If you have money blocks, chances are you either spend like a mofo, binge your spending/saving behavior, or act like an ostrich and bury your head in the sand ignoring the reality of all that is going on. You may even experience a combination of these - in either case, you need to know A) you aren’t alone and B) It’s all okay.
Once we have broken down the main belief motivating our relationship with money (see above), it’s important that we start to get curious about WHY we do what we do. Money is just a thing. It is not good or bad. It does not actually give us more or less love. It does not make us more or less moral. It is just a thing. So before we focus on WHY we do what we do, we need to first acknowledge WHEN we spend and WHAT we spend on.
WHEN
I first started to pay attention to when I felt guilt/shame around my spending. When I would try to hide my purchases from my husband. When I would send off the shopping cart and feel that lump in my throat. WHEN I BOUGHT A 6 FOOT UNICORN FOR MY STUDIO.
Once I realized this very strong, visceral feeling I was able to stop and say “Let’s shift that guilt to curiosity and look at the context” that brought me to those purchases. Scientists have found that we process shame as strongly as physical pain, so it is easy to FEEL these experiences and kick start my rational thinking (AFTER THE EMOTIONAL SPENDING HAD HAPPENED). The context usually was one of the following for me:
-I had been spending time in photography groups and seeing what other people were purchasing to get so many “likes” and comments ——> I didn’t think I was enough.
-I felt that I wasn’t doing enough or giving enough to my clients so I felt if I had more STUFF that would be the thing to bring them ———-> I didn’t think I was enough.
-I had money in my bank account and this made me uncomfortable ————>based on my passed down belief that people with money are bad meant I had to get rid of it or else I wouldn’t get love.
-Once a month during ovulation I would binge shop and literally have no idea what I bought online ——->when hormones shift at certain times during your period you will feel like you need stuff to attract a mate or because you feel less, etc.
For one month just pay attention to when you spend and acknowledge the context surrounding the spending. You will start to see trends starting to appear. Once you know WHEN you spend, you can start to put strategies in place to prevent you from spending until you get your mindset under control: I had my husband reroute certain websites to my bank account - so it would stop the default mode of purchasing. I would “lose” my credit cards when I could sense lady time was acomin’. I would put someone else in control of my travel arrangements.
WHAT
I started to get curious about what I was buying because I noticed trends again. It wasn’t like I was buying a bunch of random shit that didn’t make sense. The majority of my impulse purchases fell into 3 main categories:
CLOTHES (or things that are “pretty”)
STUFF (CLOTHES/FURNITURE/DESIGN SHIT) FOR THE STUDIO
BUYING FOOD FOR PEOPLE
After some journaling around this, I realized that I purchased clothes out of a scarcity mindset. As a child I never had really cool clothes because I was a plus size kid. I never had access to cute, sparkly, pretty things and in fact had to wear men’s jeans. So NOW that I have adult money AND places have extended sizing I am now able to purchase things - but instead of buying just ONE shirt or dress, I MUST buy as many as possible in one trip. The other thing I noticed, is that I would hoard all of these beautiful things just to have them - I mean I can only wear one thing at a time, yet I liked to look at my collection of 56 tshirts hanging in my closet JUST TO LET THE LITTLE GIRL IN ME KNOW THAT IT’S OKAY, THERE ARE CLOTHES FOR YOU NOW.
Now, when it comes to my studio I would also spend money on shit that I didn’t need because I was doing it because I thought that that would be the thing that would bring the client in : the fanciest couch, the coolest lighting equipment, the biggest wardrobe, the sparkliest gowns, etc.
One of the first times I met my husband’s parents it was at a brunch with like 12 people and I said I would pay the entire bill and at the time I thought I was being altruistic but looking back I know 100% that it was to win them over because I didn’t think they would like me just as I was. I do this with friends - whenever we go out I fight them to pay the bill instead of each of us just paying our own and again, I thought it was to be kind, but then I realized it was a way to hold power in the relationship and win them over - UM HELLO MANIPULATION MUCH??? THAT’S NOT KINDNESS.
Recognizing WHAT I was purchasing gave me clues as to WHY I felt I had to buy it and WHEN I had to buy it to fulfill the REAL WHAT I was searching for.
Some banks will show you the areas of your life you are spending your money, this might give you clues as to the WHAT, the WHEN and that will help you find the WHY.
Use your journal and investigate what you are REALLY trying to fulfill when you buy stuff.
LOOK AT YOUR DAMN BANK ACCOUNT
As a final note, I encourage you to make a habit out of just looking at your bank accounts a few times a week. Just like looking at your body in the mirror, paying attention to your thoughts, having the tough conversation, etc. you NEED to know where you are starting from and things are less scary and more controllable when you can actually see what you are dealing with. Going back to the beginning with our GPS, if you put in your destination and say “GIVE ME DIRECTIONS” without telling it your starting point, again you will not have a clear defined or even slightly carved out path to follow to get you on your way. You NEED to look at where you are starting from so you can take responsibility and break these blocks down.
