The Sun Has Risen And All Is Well

The sun has risen and all is well. My mom came through her surgery with ease - however, the lack of information we were receiving caused me to fall whole heartedly into my coping mechanisms.

It’s odd when you have grown to see yourself as someone else, fall swiftly back into old patterns that are familiar when the rest of your world is not.
At 7am I found myself on Facebook - scrolling, scrolling, scrolling.
At 10am I found myself in the kitchen - eating, eating, eating.
At noon I found myself on Shein - buying, buying, buying.
But at 2pm, still with no updates, I found myself create a new and painful coping strategy: scratching my scalp.
I may have done this in the past and just didn’t recognize it, but yesterday it was ferocious.
I think I did it in a way that I overeat - because it forces me to FEEL something as I’ve taught myself to distance myself from my emotions.

While I don’t begrudge myself for taking part in any of these coping methods,
I realize:

They didn’t make me feel better aside from in that very specific moment and today I’m paying the price:

Overloaded on computery/phone stuff made it difficult to fall asleep last night, even after I had gotten news that mom was doing great.
I am completed bloated and “heavy” feeling due to the types of foods that I scrambled for all day yesterday.
I am $200 less with more clothes on the way to fill an already overflowing closet.
My scalp is hurting from all of the scratching and I don’t know how to soothe it.

I was a very aware witness to all of these behaviors yesterday.
As I scrolled mindlessly, I could hear the newer version of Teri say : “Is this really what you need to be doing right now?”
As I crammed my hand into the bag of hazelnuts for my 5th handful, she said: “Are you actually hungry? Or just eating because it’s comfortable?”
As I typed in Shein.com, she mentioned: “You know you are here because shopping makes you feel good?”
And this morning, she said: “I bet your head scratching was a coping mechanism.”

Witnessing is so important to the process as you go through changing your beliefs and methods of coping. It gives you a space to recognize that the behavior may be harmful, but gives you the choice to do it anyway. In times of increased stress/emotion, making choices is VERY difficult - you brain is too busy thinking of all the things that are/could go wrong, so sometimes it’s nice to fall back into old habits BUT be aware that you are doing it so next time you can make a different choice if you so desire. Witnessing gives you a space for no-judgement and room for curiosity. If I didn’t witness my behaviors yesterday, all I know about today would be:

I feel shame for spending money
I feel guilty for breaking my social media break
My body is gross
My head is annoying

All of these statements are shame, judgement riddled and would only cause to tear down my self esteem - which does NOT help me become the person I want to be. Those thoughts only serve to confirm my prior beliefs about myself - THAT WERE PUT THERE BY SOMEONE ELSE. And nothing would change.

Instead, I am able to look at yesterday with the clear eyes of present day Teri and recognize that in that moment I was just doing what I thought I had to do to feel something - anything - to avoid dealing with the emotions about my Mom’s surgery. But there were also parts in the day where I parented myself gently. As I was driving, I wasn’t really able to distract and I was very much able to think about everything and I could feel the tears pushing at my eyes and my heart feel like an anchor was pulling it down. Normally, I would suck up the tears or wipe them away and go get a sugary beverage from the drive-thru, but instead, I kept driving and in my head I pictured myself as an adult, hugging the child version of myself and giving her permission to cry, to shake, to feel. This is progress.

Knowing your usual coping strategies when you aren’t in a time of crisis can give you the foresight to be able to prepare for the things you are going to gravitate towards. I made sure to get all the really, not so helpful foods to my stomach out of the house. I left my phone in different rooms to avoid having it so close to me. I changed my password on my paypal account so I had to be conscious of paying for my items. etc. While I still participated in my usual activities, I made it more difficult which made me more conscious of my actions.

Never feel bad for doing what you had to do to get through something. The alternative is worse. In that moment, your brain says “This is too much for us - we might die. Eat the food instead.” Remember, your brain’s whole job is to keep you alive as long as possible - it just sometimes comes up with unproductive ways to do it.

So, today is a new day. A day for drinking lots of water, resting my weary soul, visiting my mom, and creating to move that stagnant energy out of my body.

The sun has risen and all is well.