I Do Worry

How quickly we become religious when things go awry. I stopped true prayer in my teens when I realized how hypocritical the church I was attending was being. But when my Dad got sick, I found myself praying to the same God I discarded years before. I always tell people “I’m not religious, I’m spiritual” meaning I believe in something bigger than myself - I just don’t know what to call it.

Today my mom is going in for surgery and according to the doctors it should be a relatively easy one with her coming home tonight - however, the last time a parent went into the hospital they never came out (despite the prayers) and so it’s easy for me to believe that maybe she won’t. That belief stays at the edges of my thoughts and words.

”How are you doing with all of this?” My mom asked me.
”I don’t know enough to worry yet.” I said.
Meaning, logic helped me put on a brave face.
The resilient mindset and thought work I have worked on over the last 10 years has paid off
Yay! I don’t worry! I tell myself.

But I do.

Maybe my mind isn’t worried, but my body is:
My body hurts - particularly around my heart area.
My back is tight.
My jaw is clenched.
Tears are at the ready.
Catching my breath is hard.
I withdraw into silence.
I try to distract with art and writing and meditation.

But the belief and fear that I might not see my mom again hovers over and around everything I do.

I do worry.

I worry that she won’t get to accomplish her business dreams.
I worry that I won’t be able to call her anymore.
I worry that I’ll no longer have any parents.
I worry that women experience complications during surgery more than men, simply because they are women.
I worry what will happen to me when the time comes that my mom does go.
I worry what will happen to my brother and sister and nieces and nephews.

I worry.

And I also trust.

I trust that she is so supported by her friends and family.
I trust that her surgery team has prepared for moments like this and they are diligent about the work they do.
I trust that regardless of the outcome I have support, guidance, and love to fall into.
I trust that I will figure out next steps when the time comes because I’ve done it before.
I trust that the things my mom has taught us will help us get through whatever outcome there is.

I trust.

To be human is to be able to carry 2 conflicting thoughts at the same time.

I worry and I trust.

If you have a few minutes today and you are someone who prays, sends out good vibes, does energy healing, thinks positive thoughts, can I ask that you send some my mom’s way today. I appreciate it.