Maybe I’m Okay (and maybe, so are you)

I wonder if sometimes I think too much. I analyze too much. I dig too much. I thrive to fix too much. All of this in an effort to stay “productive” when I am not being “productive.” But at what point, does self awareness and self help become self punishment and self drowning?

On this journey of self awareness and busting through blocks and bricks and obstacles I think I might be okay. While yes, there are certain stories and beliefs that get in my way and were created from trauma and my past, but ultimately….I’m not a work in progress. I just am. Like, I think I have been spending most of my life imagining that it is a video game - “If I just get through this then…” “If I can push past this level, I can…” and while that has brought me a fair amount of success and an amazing life - I also think that if I hadn’t done any of the things that I’ve done, I’d still be okay.

Maybe I am on the brink of yet another existential crisis here - but I think somewhere along the way I confused morality of purpose with living my purpose. If I am just “good enough” and do the “right things” then I will avoid bad things happening. Do other people think this way?

The last month I had the pleasure of living in the present for most of my travels - I was connecting with humans, laughing until my stomach hurt, driving in cars, flying on planes, looking at nature, putting my feet in creeks, having conversations with friends, sitting in a hot tub, watching Netflix in bed while eating gyros, creating art with my friends, organizing catwalks, and telling my story. And I was okay. For most of it, I was content. Sometimes even joyful. And none of it had anything to do with how hard I was working or how “good” I was - it was just about living.

I think I had to go through the last 7 years of trying to convince myself I was good enough and stress myself out doing it, to get to this point where I realize that I’ve been good all along. I didn’t need more followers, more dollars, more insight, more goals, more, more, more. I just needed to stop and realize that regardless of what I am doing…I am okay.

If I’m sitting on the couch watching New Girl - I’m okay.
If I’m telling my story on stage - I’m okay.
If I’m getting lost in the bush to take self portraits - I’m okay.
If I’m getting a standing ovation - I’m okay.
If I have a sore tum from laughing so hard - I’m okay.
If I am making money - I’m okay.
If I am not making money - I’m okay.
I’m okay.
I’m okay.
I’m okay.
And so are you.