I Still Say Yes, When I Should Say No

I am pretty sure that being a “Yes woman” will be my forever battle. When it comes to opportunities and things like that it’s become a lot easier to say No, but when it comes to people that I care about….ugh. It’s really hard. I say “Yes!” and immediately my tum is quick to remind me “WTF WOULD YOU SAY YES TO THAT?”

I’d like to say I am getting better, but I literally just did this the other day without thinking what impact me saying yes would have on me. For awhile there I had gotten in the habit of saying “Let me check my calendar.” or “Let me get back to you in 24 hours” but lately, as I’ve been a bit overwhelmed, I just blurted out “YES!”

And as soon as I’ve committed I have a hard time backing out because:

A)I don’t want people to be mad at me
and
B) See A.

The other thing that follows me saying YES and then regretting it, is a bout of shame that rolls up beside it:
”I thought you were better than this.”
and that just makes me feel even worse about the thing that I’ve just agreed to.
But, as you know, I don’t like to sit in the shame for too long - so I redirect to Curiosity:

”I realize I should have waited a bit before responding so quickly, but why did I? What’s the context?”

”I’ve been feeling really wobbly in my feelings lately due to world things + the chaos of moving out of my studio + grief of leaving the old way of doing things + trying to get things done before I leave on the next trip.”

”Why do you think saying Yes to these people makes you feel better in that moment?”

”Because I feel like I am failing at everything else, if I say YES to people then at least I will be good at that….although, I will probably do a piss poor job because I don’t actually want to be doing it…but in that moment, it feels good to have someone say 'Thank you!!’”

”Why is it important to have people like you and say thank you?”

”I…I want to know I’m doing a good job. If they like me, they won’t leave me…”

”Have you felt this way before? Was there a moment where made the choice to do something for yourself and someone made you feel bad about it/left you/etc.?”

”I’ve been called selfish whenever I chose to move or leave or do something new. I remember specific people that were my friends that just stopped talking to me when I moved on from something because I no longer served their needs…”

”Ah. So is it possible you are saying YES to these current people because you are afraid they will leave you or think that you are being selfish for changing career paths?”

”Hmmm, yah, that definitely could be it.”

”So, what could you say to yourself that would help you feel safe and supported right now?

”Saying No to things doesn’t make me a bad or selfish person. Taking time to weigh the pros and cons of something isn’t a bad or selfish thing to do. For me to show up as the best for the people I care about, I need to make sure I am saying YES to things I am excited about and NO to things that I’m not.”

And now, I’ve put that on a post-it note. In addition, I will try to remember this post the next time I find myself feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, and anxious so that I can put a plan in place BEFORE I say Yes without thinking.