Half In, Half Out

I’ve never been good at being in limbo.
Straddling the line between What Was and What Will Be
Hanging out in What Is.
By the time I say I’m going to do something,
I want to already be doing it.
The curse of an activator, I suppose.
So, right now I’m waiting
For my last shoot
For my last reveal
For my last piece of furniture to leave
For my last good-bye to the studio
And my mind has already moved onto the next things:
”What am I going to do?”
”What will I do after this?”
”What will come next?”
”What’s the plan?”
Trying to plan
While being in the present
Is hard for someone like me
I’m future-focused and ready to go
Like a horse chomping at the bit,
I always say.
Let me run.
But I can’t.
Responsibilities, of course,
But I also have to trust that the law of timing is on my side
And just like forcing a flower to bloom sooner than it should,
I believe the Universe is just “getting things ready” for me.
But that doesn’t make this
Half In
Half Out
Situation any easier,
but maybe this is where the growth happens.
Just like that flower I talked about -
We can’t get to Out without going through the Middle
The growing pains
The discomfort of staying longer than you want to
By spending time in the Middle
I’m able to savour and remember just how much
I want to be Out
So that it makes saying Goodbye easier.
I remember when a friend of a friend was dying of cancer
and they became incredibly angry, irate, and mean to their caretakers
(I saw the same thing happen with my Dad as he was dying)
My Korean boyfriend at the time told me that the
”Jeong was breaking to make it easier to say goodbye.”
He continued saying that there is this belief that to make it easier on the people left behind,
To make saying Goodbye easier,
The soul must break the Jeong (this means a strong attachment to something you love - there is actually no English translation for this feeling).
So the middle is this part.
But I couldn’t leave without regret
If the Jeong doesn’t break.
So a little suffering now makes it so I can move on
While I hang in the balance
Half In
and
Half Out.