The Squidginess of Being Recognized
My mom and I boarded our flight to Orlando and while I was sticking stuff in the seat back pocket, I heard someone say “Are you the famous photographer, Teri Hofford?” Immediately, I felt all eyes on me as my mom and fellow seat mates turned to look at me and I could feel my large body start to wilt and shrivel under the gaze of the lovely stewardess, Cat, who follows me on Instagram. But she didn’t stop there. She continued “I love your work so much!” and to the other people around her “She does amazing photography!” Now, by this point in my career I’ve learned to say “Thank you so much. I really appreciate that.” and then nod ferociously, hoping the bright spotlight would be averted away. As we got ready to fly, I nodded off as I do, trying to forget what just happened and it wasn’t even 40 minutes later when I felt a sharp jab in my side from my mom whispering intently “WAKE UP! WAKE UP!” I opened my heavy eyelids and responded “WHAT?” in my post-sleep haze and my mom hissed “She’s bringing you some Prosecco!” As Cat came down the aisle, I saw 2 not so small gold bottles of Prosecco in her hands and she continued to thank me and show me her appreciation. The people in my row kept looking towards me, the gentleman beside my mom asking her what kind of work I do, etc. I let me mom talk to the people around me, because A) she has Woo and strangers are just friends she hasn’t met yet and B) it saved me from having to take the credit for my work. Then, right before we landed, she handed us 2 big bags full of the spendy snacks - like, I’m talking a can of pringles, beef jerky, full size Kit Kat, gummy bears, etc. I was blown away by this treatment - this had never happened to me on this level before - but I also wanted to crawl under my seat. I was VERY aware of the squidgy feelings that rose up within me.
Now, this sounds like a humble brag, but I need to ensure you that it is not - it is me sharing a story about something that I’ve been pushing away, distancing from, and attempting to ignore until I was in the window seat in the middle of a plane with nowhere to go except for internally. The squidginess of being recognized or known for the work that one does is something else. In my case, I have worked hard to become known as “the body image boudoir photographer” and well…it worked. I get stopped quite often in my city when I am out and about running errands, but I never expected it to happen on a flight to Orlando with my mom. The squidginess of being recognized is the squidginess of accepting the reality that I do make a difference, that I have impacted lives through my work, and understanding the responsibility that comes with that.
But what was interesting, in talking with my mom about it later, was that my Mom was beaming and proud of me having that impact, but inside…I wanted to shrivel up and hide. Seriously. I appreciated her attention, but at the same point I wanted nothing more than to disappear and in unpacking it, I acknowledged all the thoughts that came up for me during the flight:
1) Worry that I got this treatment and no one else did - how would they feel?
When I feel squidgy, my favorite question to ask is “When have I felt this way before?” and immediately, I was reminded of my kindergarten class getting ice cream and I got a cookie in mine because it was my birthday and I already knew that it wasn’t right to play favorites like this. Somewhere I learned that we should all have the same treatment. So this experience shone a bright light on 5 year old Teri that burst into tears.
2) My sister would be upset
What the hell? She wasn’t even on the plane. But when we were younger, she had said some things to me that made me realize that there was a competition between us that I didn’t know existed and me receiving my awards, accolades, and “famous” treatment made her envious of me and thus threatened our relationship. I was afraid she would be like “Of course, SHE gets that.”
3)People are probably thinking who does she think she is?
Who cares, right? Well, clearly I do/did. It’s become quite obvious to me over the years that I do care what people think of me. As a lifelong other pleaser, I do tend to care what people think of me - but then I’ve learned to flip the script because A)I don’t know what people are thinking and B) How rude of me to assume people would be so cruel to think that way — this means…I’m the one thinking “WHO DO I THINK I AM?” it’s just easier to assume it’s other people thinking that.
I told my mom that I didn’t want people to think that I am egotistical or “that” type of person (judgy thoughts) and she said something really important:
”Teri, in that moment - what if it wasn’t about you? While yes it was you she was talking about - what if her doing those things and being seen by you fulfilled her ego? What if that filled her cup? While yes it is about you, it really isn’t about YOU.”
And that clicked something in me, because earlier this year in Italy, Sue Bryce had said something similar to me after I gave my keynote presentation and did my first empowerment experience. She said “Teri it’s like you rush through everything because you don’t know how to receive what you do for people.” In true Teri fashion, I got defensive about that comment - but in thinking about it, I realized she was right. My whole test this year has been around this idea that it’s safe for me to receive and have what I provide to others returned back to me in value form. Whether that’s someone trading their time to write me a note thanking me for my contribution to their growth or someone showering me in airplane gifts to thank me for being an impact in their life.
I was tested with this once again at the end of our first week of Body Image Bootcamp, when one of our attendees Kristen Chavez asked if she could photograph me - but also put a flower in my hair for every impact that I’ve made on her. I sat there in the buff with nothing but a piece of fabric on and breathed in every time she mentioned something she had learned from me and tenderly placed a flower in my hair. It was a beautiful honouring. At the end, I told her that it would be a great thing to offer her clients and she said “You know…not everything has to be a teachable moment.” and in that moment, I knew once again I was trying to distance myself from simply receiving the fact that I impacted someone’s life.
So the work that needs to be done and that I am doing now, is to unpack what would it mean if I truly did impact someone’s life. I say this is my mission and yet, here I am refusing to believe the evidence that it is happening because if I was to believe it, then it would make me what? Vain? Self centered? Selfish? Prideful? Then what would happen?
From the time I was little I knew I was destined for a big impact, but I am terrified of what happens when one does that. When you become known, you become criticized. When you become successful, you become a target. When you become someone who impacts people on a large scale, it comes with responsibilities and I think I’ve been shying away from all of this. I want to have a big impact, but I don’t want people to hate me - but the reality is, people don’t like me already, so what’s the difference? I want to inspire even more people by just being myself, but I know that that could potentially cause my siblings to dislike me/distance themselves from me even more and all I’ve ever wanted is for them to see me as equal. So I put barriers between me and the value exchange for my gifts and ability. I don’t allow myself to take full credit for the work that I do or the content I create or the writing that I do that truly can change a person’s life or at least send them in another direction than they were previously travelling. If I don’t accept the thanks, then I don’t have to take on the responsibility.
In working with my coach, we realized that I have a fear of disappointing people (head back a few posts to read about my art of disappointing people) and that I am protecting myself by never taking on the responsibility because of a future prediction of eventually disappointing someone. This is why I’ve become really good at strategizing, letting people know who exactly I am when they meet me, being SO up front about what to expect when working with me, etc. is because I never want people to think that I disappointed them….but as you’ll read in that post, avoiding their disappointment is not my responsibility. My only job is to show up, to do what I can do in the way that I can do it and understand that I will always try my best. That’s it. That’s all.
So, when folks tell me in real life that I’ve changed their lives or impacted them in someway, I can still feel the squidge, but I will sit with it inside of pushing it away. Because…what if they are telling the truth? What if I did help change their life? What if I did create a new perspective for them? Doesn’t that mean I am doing what I am meant to be doing? Doesn’t that mean it’s working? Doesn’t that mean I am using my gifts to change the world for the better? And isn’t that something to be proud of?
