The Art of Disappointing People
In my coaching this week, I realized that I am exceptionally afraid of disappointing people…and myself. In talking with Camille (my coach), we talked about how I have a hard time receiving money AND showing up as the artist I truly believe myself to be. Like, I can’t create with freedom AND be paid for it and in our conversation, she helped me realize that I have a fear that my artistic vision isn’t truly what someone wants and therefore they will be disappointed so I would rather minimize myself in order to give them classic, beautiful imagery than risk them being disappointed in the artistic vision I had.
It’s the vulnerability of leaving myself open to having someone be disappointed in me/my work that creates the fear.
So, as per usual I set about to figure out why I have such an opposition to disappointing folks and I’ve settled on a few instances in my life where I made mistakes and in doing so disappointed others and myself - to the point that they rejected me, abandoned me, and shamed me. I mentioned to Camille that the thought of disappointing someone feels like humiliation in my body - this tells me that at some point I felt that I was being “ousted from the tribe” and that settled deep into the ol’ subconscious so that I would never feel that way again. This is why I try to control things through setting a ridiculous amount of expectations up front - it mitigates the risk of me getting hurt again. If you still sign up for something, knowing EVERYTHING that is going to happen - then you can’t possibly disappointed in me…right? Wrong.
Because at the end of the day, I don’t control you or your reaction or your own expectations. You could still be disappointed in me.
But this is one of the things that led me to burnout in my photography business. I wasn’t allowing my full self to come into the creation room if money had been exchanged. I wouldn’t allow myself to “get weird” or play because I knew, despite setting every expectation under the sun, there was a minimal chance the client would be upset with me/their images and I didn’t think I was capable of handling that type of rejection yet again. Even now, as I have grown in so many ways and understand that I could take the best photos on the planet and people might still be disappointed with me/my service/my photos - the fear. is. real.
So, how do I learn the art of disappointing people?
Because I’m tired of playing small. I love doing creative photography work and I deserve to be paid for it - I am an Artist after all.
How do I learn to let myself feel free and create with abandon and know that I have done my job, regardless of the outcome?
Because when I let myself exist in the flow state that is creativity to craft whatever needs to be created, understanding that it isn’t always going to be “pretty” or “beautiful” but rather it is needed - it has always led to profound understanding, education, or experience to help myself and my subject move forward towards growth.
I first started by understanding the root cause of my fear of disappointment exists in my “good girl” identity - something I’m trying to shift away from. As my friend Maybe Burke says : “I don’t want to be a good person, I want to be a person who cares” and I think she hit the nail on the head. I don’t want to go out of my way to disappoint people, of course, but I am not responsible for other people’s feelings or reactions and if catering to their needs at the sacrifice of my own - there is nothing GOOD about that. A Good Girl wants to keep everyone happy, comfortable, and get 5 star reviews across the board. A Good Teri wants to show up and do her job to the best of her abilities understanding that she is not liable for how that is received on the other end.
The second thing I did, admittedly, was use AI to see what it would say about how to disappoint people while still being a kind person and here’s what she had to say (and yes, I have gendered my AI):
“It is important to remember that you cannot control how others perceive or react to your actions. However, there are some strategies you can consider when navigating situations where disappointment may arise:
Communicate openly and honestly: Clearly express your intentions, limitations, and concerns to others. Transparency can help manage expectations and minimize misunderstandings.
Show empathy and understanding: Acknowledge and validate the feelings of others when they express disappointment. Demonstrate that you genuinely care about their emotions and perspectives.
Offer alternatives or compromises: If possible, suggest alternative solutions or compromises that may help alleviate disappointment. This shows that you are willing to work towards a mutually beneficial outcome.
Learn from the experience: Reflect on the situation and consider how you can grow and improve from it. Use disappointing moments as opportunities for personal growth and development.
Remember, being a good person does not mean you have to please everyone all the time. It is about treating others with respect, empathy, and kindness, even in difficult situations.”
To be honest, it’s pretty good advice and many of these steps I currently take, but I recognize the fear is still lingering and it puts its nasty grip on my creativity when I am being paid for my work. This tells me there is a belief that I have that I don’t think I can be free and receive money. [As I typed that out, I felt my whole body shift which is usually what happens when I have an AHA moment.]
An old belief that money comes with strings attached and at any moment, someone might turn around and say “I paid $XXXX for this and I didn’t get what I wanted so now you will pay and I will tell everyone how terrible you are. I will tell them that you aren’t worth it. I will tell them that you are shitty and a terrible business person. You aren’t worth this.” But here’s the thing - those thoughts?? They came from MY brain. This tells me that this is MY belief. I belief that the work I create, the experience I offer, the business person I am - isn’t worth it. Because if I didn’t believe those things, I wouldn’t have any fear that people would say them because I would know they aren’t true.
Dammit.
So, now let’s rework that belief….because she’s a stanky belief and I do not want it.
Here’s what I know to be true:
I am a master photographer - I have honed my craft after years and experience to be able to create exceptional imagery that helps my clients tell their stories. Sometimes those stories aren’t beautiful or adhering to beauty standards and sometimes they aren’t even “technically” correct - but it is my art and it is my artistic rendition of how I experience the person in front of my lens with knowing very little about who they fully are as a person based on what they’ve told me. That is all I can do. I ensure my client is very aware of the experience, the process, the pricing, and I communicate very effectively about the entire thing. I acknowledge and understand that it is hard to see ourselves in images, especially ones that challenge beauty standards and our preconcieved notions of how we “should” look. I do my best to prepare clients ahead of time, so I can refer them to a photographer who may be better suited to their needs if what they want is not in alignment with the work and mission behind what I do and why. Every time a client was disappointed in what they saw, I have been able to learn from it to create a more pleasant experience for the clients that come after and at the end of the day, I can only do what I can do until I can do more. I have watched how my work has shifted thousands of folks’ body and self image - I have watched how the processes I put into place have helped make the experience a positive one even when viewing the photos is still difficult. I have take classes, learned psychology, bared my body, and studied under the best photographers to become a master at the work that I do and capable of creating consistently, creatively, and powerfully. I understand that folks will say what they need to say and feel what they need to feel in order to feel “safe” in that moment and sometimes I, and my craft, might be the target - but if I show up and do what I do best - then that is enough.
I am only worried because I care and again, I want to be a caring human not a good human and THIS makes me a good businessperson.
Disappointing people is part of being a human and coexisting with other humans, I just wish we hadn’t been taught that disappointment is something fraught with shame, judgment and humiliation. When we were young and disappointed our parents (especially in the 80s and prior), they said things like “I’m just so disappointed in you - I can’t even look at you right now.” or “This isn’t like you - I’m so disappointed in you.” and as a Good Girl - this was beyond devastating because not only did it reinforce the box that being a Good Girl created, but it also followed up with abandonment, shame, and pain when the parents would walk away angrily without communicating. I learned that disappointing people is the worst thing I could do - make them angry, sure - but for the love of God, do not disappoint them because they will leave you when you need love the most. The reality is, when we do something that is disappointing to someone else, it is usually disappointing to us and in that moment, we don’t need additional shame, pain, or hurt - we need love. Lots and lots of love and reassurance that it’s part of being a human and co-creating with other humans.
So, that brings me to the final stage of disappointing people - Love. I need to love myself through all of these experiences. I need to have grace, compassion, reflection, listening, and….love. Disappointing people is inevitable so knowing that I have an armour of love and care towards myself and others will soften the blow and remind me that I am still worthy and valuable. If I show up and do all things with Love at the forefront, how that is received is none of my business.
