How am I reclaiming my GIRLHOOD?
Losing my girlhood - or rather, hiding my girlhood - was a long process. A series of chips over the course of my life brought about by identities I clung to, identities I avoided, the patriarchal systems that keep us all down, body image insecurities, and more, by the time 2018 rolled around I was a shell of a person. The oddest thing was…my bank account was full, my calendar was booked, everything was good…except it wasn’t. Thankfully, with the sage advice of my mother, I decided to go back to school for Applied Positive Psychology. This was a turning point for me, because up until that point all of the self help and development I had been doing was very much intellectualized, some of it made it into action, but overall, I was more excited to share my findings for other people to use. That was, at least, until I went back to school. I believed that it would be lectures and theory and fun stuff to take me out of the repetitive nature of running a boudoir business. You see, I forgot all about the keyword: APPLIED in the phrase of the education I was about to take. That meant everything we learned, we would apply to ourselves and each other.
Every month I flew to Toronto, stayed in an airbnb (sometimes solo, sometimes with other students), ate Korean chicken, and fully immersed myself as student and coach.. Every month was intense, but it was the good intense for someone with ADHD. I loved everything I was learning, but I also noticed that’s when I started to chip away at the shell I had surrounded myself with. There were a lot of tears, a lot of laughter, a lot of friendship, and hugs - lots of hugs (I learned you need 8 a day to “feel safe”). I still preferred intellectualizing the info rather than applying it, but the good thing about it being an intense course meant there was no time for me to weasel out of things. This was my first experience being truly vulnerable in front of people I didn’t know. I started to unearth the grief for my father that had been pushed down into my body. I unraveled the stories around my worthiness and value and the need to continually be productive. My classmates held space for me as I explored who I would be beyond my high achieving, hyper-independent, relatively stoic self (this was probably the squidgiest tbh). At the end of the course, I had the plan for my book The Geode Theory, a certification for Applied Positive Psychology, and a huge crack in the armour I had created over the course of my life. This would be the start of my girlhood and “little Teri” wriggling their way to the surface.
It was like Little dreamy Teri had been woken from slumber, but the reality of finding your way back home is that it’s anything but linear. Imagine someone unearthing a glass box covered in moss, dirt, grime, and dust encasing Little Me who had fallen asleep for 37 years. With every activity we did in my class, it was like someone moving away the dirt and knocking on the glassbox to wake Little Me up and let her see what was possible - but only while still existing in the glass box. It would take me another 3 years before Little Me could fully emerge and in that timeframe, she banged on the inside of the box with the full force of a petulant child who hadn’t been paid any attention. What this looked like in the real world was:
Becoming incredibly angry + all the other feelings I had been running from
Experiencing high highs and low lows
Going towards love and friendship and then pulling away when it got too real
Manic states of creativity combined with crashes of body & mind pain
The interesting part of this, however, was that it was like there were 2 parts of me. The Little Me banging to be let out and be heard and the Adult Me that would parent the little one through the high highs and low lows even though I didn’t know what the fuck was happening. There were plenty of times I questioned my sanity and I even did some tele-counselling to check in, but through journaling and this attempt at parenting myself we eventually made it through those rough couple of months/years. So, while Little Me was equally excited and scared to come out, Adult Me start to slowly pry away at the glass that kept her hidden from the world.d
The 1st year (2019) the parts of my GIRLHOOD I would reclaim would be nostalgia. I found myself distancing from my boudoir community and the traditional work I was creating. I had felt for a few years that I was contributing to the very thing I was fighting against but didn’t know how to get off the treadmill. So, what probably looked like a lack of interest from the outside was actually a strategic move to re-evaluate why I had started in the first place. Thankfully, I had an amazing community that was full of referrals and were okay to try out different things in the studio beyond the traditional boudoir sessions so I could dabble in portraits and eventually find my way to my Perfectly Natural Revolution series in 2021 which gave me life again. During this time as well, I had started my book The Geode Theory and with the help of a book coach I began to rediscover my love of creative writing. When I handed him my manuscript with the technical bits, he was like “Where’s the story? Where’s the heart?” I had gotten so much into creating short form content and educating that I had forgotten the art of telling stories. Throughout the book I bring up a lot of memories of my childhood and I think this is when Little Teri started to be truly heard, her stories being seen from another perspective and honoured in the writing process.
The 2nd year (2020) the parts of my GIRLHOOD I would reclaim would be my creativity, compassion & rest. It was a little something we called The Global Pandemic and while it was horrible for so many people, for me it was what I needed to throw me off the treadmill and really give space for healing to happen so I could finally break the glass box that surrounded Little Teri. Every month during the pandemic, like most people, I dabbled in hobbies I had explored as a kid: painting, writing postcards, sewing, resin work, and of course, and creating art through self portraits. Without the stress to perform and with everything being absolute chaos, this was the year I threw caution to the wind and decided to try everything and anything. I stopped photoshopping my work. I released The Geode Theory. I created The Universe Decides cards. I started 2 different educational platforms for photographers. It was the start of me forcefully stripping away the shell that covered me. It was also toward the end of 2020 that I started to treat myself like a science experiment - going on a digital detox once a month for 3-4 days with no cell service, no internet - just myself, my books, and my notebooks. This is where I let Strong Teri rest. I would nap for entire days. I would put down all of my armour and cry and meditate and walk and get back to nature. And when Strong Teri was resting, Little Teri could be seen.
The 3rd year (2021) the parts of my GIRLHOOD I would reclaim would be my connection, community & asking for help. It started off shaky as we were still uncertain about lockdowns and all that jazz, but this was also when I was truly sharing more of my stories online and people were following me more for my writing than for my photography. As I shared stories from my childhood, Little Teri could pop her head out of the glass box because she realized she was no longer alone in those things that had covered her in so much shame. 2021 was also the year I had a lot of amazing experiences as a result of the work I had done the previous 5 years as an educator in the photography industry. I met Sue Bryce who became my mentor and my friend and called me out on my bullshit at our very first meeting (which I loved.) and she provided me a platform to share my passion for body image education & self acceptance. My introduction to The Portrait Masters was incredible because I was valued for what I truly wanted to do in photography all along plus I made so many incredible connections, many of whom became my best friends. I danced in self portraits and with each self portrait session it was like I was inviting Little Teri into the room to be creative with Adult Teri. Together we made magic and that magic helped so many people who saw themselves in my body and my story. This was also the year that I truly started to be a real friend. I realized that a big part of my burnout was the result of “not needing” anyone, but in hindsight I definitely did, I just thought it would make me weak. So, I not only repaired past relationships, but I also made it a priority to pour into my new ones and I started to give more than I got.
The 4th & 5th year (2022/2023) the parts of my GIRLHOOD I would reclaim would be my ability to dream & trust. The end of 2022 and the beginning of 2023 was probably the absolute darkest time of my adulthood. I would say the end of 2021, Little Teri climbed out of the glassbox and started causing havoc. She said no to literally everything she previously had always said yes to. She let go of her studios. She YOLO’d like no one’s business, without a care in the world about the outcome. These two years caused me to look really closely at who I had become and what identities I had attached to my being that were threatening Little Teri’s peace. My saying No to things was imperative to me learning the art of detachment and so I could fully process what I was making everything mean. If I didn’t speak at this event, what would people think? What would it mean if they thought XYZ? If I no longer had a studio, would people think I was a disappointment or a failure? And what would it mean if they did? Essentially, Little Teri tried to burn everything to the ground so she could try to build it the way SHE wanted to. But in that process, I swung the pendulum too far and I didn’t realize that I needed to have gratitude for the incredible career and experience I had as a boudoir photographer. I needed to take in all the lessons, memories, and experiences and bring parts of them with me into the next dream. At the end of 2023, the clouds started to part and I could feel myself dreaming & starting to trust my intuition again.
Which brings us to the 6th & 7th year (2024/2025) the parts of my GIRLHOOD I would reclaim would be my softness & romanticism. With the safety of friends & colleagues who embrace me for who I am unconditionally plus the beauty of moving to a new city where very few people know me, I can start a wee bit fresh and truly rebuild from the ashes of my shell and on top of the glass shards from whence Little Teri once lay. I have been walking hand in hand with Little Teri for the past two years now, letting her guide my decision with intuition first, then I jump in with strategy. I have been adorning my body in a way that celebrates the girly girl that I always wanted to be while honouring my practical side (wearing bike shorts under my dresses and skirts and choosing fabrics that are comfy on my skin.) I meet new people with my most authentic beaming bright youthful, playful, and whimsical energy and if they think I’m too much, then I step in and pat my heart to remind Little Teri that she’s safe, loved, and secure. I create art that speaks to the original purpose of why I started in the first place, a vision put in place by Little Teri when she was a chubby kid looking for any sort of representation to make her feel less alone, while I step in to remind her that that work has value and should be treated as such. I enjoy slow mornings, meandering walks, baking bread & scones, sewing playful outfits, lying in fields & collecting flowers, and looking for treasures wherever I am: the thrift store, the forest, the river, or my backyard. I curate beauty and romanticize every little thing that I can by allowing myself to use the “good china” every day, literally stop and smell the roses as I say “good morning” to each and every plant, and hosting tea parties in the summertime. My softness has become my strength in a society that tries to harden us.
The journey home to oneself is not easy, nor is it consistently easy. In fact, anyone that tells you it is is probably on the first step of their journey. It’s through pushing through the dirt and grime and contraction of who we’ve been taught to be, then coming out the other side ready to accept the expansion and golden light that awaits us on the other side that makes this journey a reality. And the hard thing to understand? There is no final ending aside from the one where we cease to exist but every single day we get the opportunity to choose: reclamation or shunning of our girlhood? And every day that we choose the reclamation of our girlhood, our childhood, or shadow selves is a day that we get to live in purpose as the beings we were brought here to be and isn’t that frickin’ beautiful?
