How did I lose my GIRLHOOD?
It’s more common than not for those socialized as girls to find themselves unsure of who they are when they reach their late 30s/40s because of all of the societal expectations and pressures that are put upon them. One of the factors that we tend to overlook in this later season is the parts of ourselves we shoved into the shadows for our safety & belonging and for many of us, that turns out to be our GIRLHOOD. The parts of us that tend to lean more into the feminine energy: creation, dreaming, collaboration, soft, and beautiful. The patriarchy does such a good job of making us think these things are weak that by the time we are around 5/6 most of us already start to hide those parts of ourselves in order to be liked, whether by peers, teachers, or parents. There are a lot of reasons why folks lose their girlhood. It can happen as a result of having to become a caretaker to parent or sibling, being sexualized at a young age, forced to grow up too soon due to trauma, or growing up in a body that came with certain expectations or fears. This is my story of how I lost my girlhood and while you may see yourself in parts of it, just know that your experience is also valid and if this resonates with you there is probably a reason. Thank you for being here!
I’ve been wrestling with my girlhood for most of my life and as I enter this next season, when the rest of the world is on fire, I think it is girlhood that’s going to save me & the world…but I definitely didn’t always think this way. In fact, losing my girlhood happened so slowly, I didn’t even know it was happening.
Girlhood refers to the period of time during a socialized girl’s childhood & adolescence (like age 5-17) and it’s this period of time where girls, beyond their socialization, are standardly drawn to dreamy, magical, intuitive, imaginative, and collaborative experiences. There’s a thirst for romanticism, beauty, & desire that goes beyond the standards that we have thrust upon us. It’s watching the dew bead on a blade of grass, wearing a dress made of organza and tulle, frolicking amongst wild flowers, and the belief that we can make friends with any animal.
It’s dreamy. It’s magical. It’s soft.
And it’s everything I learned to dislike by the time I turned 12.
I may have started off with puff sleeves, peter pan collars, ruffles & lace ~ but when I started to hit the age 8/9 and began comparing myself to my peers while also being teased for how I looked, things drastically changed. I remember asking my Dad to french braid my hair once, and with only 9 fingers (he lost one in a farming accident) it was a bit messy, but I thought it was still cute and princessy - but within a few hours of arriving to my school, one of my bullies asked me if I had stuck my finger in a light socket. I don’t think I wore braids again after that. But it wasn’t just my peers - it was also my upbringing on a farm + the socialization from the media (tv + movies mostly). I never saw someone with a larger body like mine being seen as “pretty” and on the farm a body like mine was valued for it’s brute strength. My Dad’s favorite compliment was that I was “built like a brick shithouse”…thanks, Dad. I realized that whenever I leaned into my desire for soft, sweet, & pretty things I was teased for "trying to be something I wasn’t” or told that it wasn’t very “practical”, so naturally it became easier for me to err on the side of caution and lean more into my masculine energy: swapping out my pastel puff princess dresses for sporty tops, sweatpants, and snapbacks. I prided myself on being “not like other girls” (cue eye roll) - which I now know is a design of the patriarchy to encourage internalized misogyny and competition. Instead of seeing girls as potential friends, I saw them as gossipy drama queens that were soooooooooo different than me. (cue the eye roll again)
In addition to all of that, due to my size, the focus on sports instead of beauty, and the lack of options in a small town, I couldn’t find pretty items to wear by the time I was a teenager anyway. So baggy jeans, sweatpants, hoodies, basketball shorts and stretchy tops made for office women became my staple wardrobe. Essentially, as I traded out my pretty clothing and packed away my belief that girls were awesome, I lost my girlhood to the patriarchy. Little by little, every time I declared that I “hated the color pink” or scoffed at girls giggling together I was pushing my true fairy loving, romantical dreamy self into the shadows and she would stay there until I turned 40.
As I got older, I literally had convinced myself that anything related to “girls” was too immature & too silly. Even when I lost weight and could fit into standard sizes, I still opted for tees and jeans and even if I had to wear a dress, I would make sure that I would look strong and powerful instead of beautiful and elegant. I needed people to see that I wasn’t just a “pretty girl”, I was strong & powerful. Eventually it got to the point in my life where I didn’t even question or think about that part of me and as such, a lot of other things waned as well: my intuition, my creativity, my dreamy nature, and my ability to romanticize everything.
BUT…
There were moments when my girlhood would show up to rescue me - I just didn’t realize that’s what was happening. That little magical dreamer inside of me would come out during my self portraits, where I’d sit by a creek gathering wildflowers to make a crown and bouquets. She would show up as I wandered through nature looking at big redwoods with amazing mushrooms exclaiming that’s definitely where the fairies would live. She would be there when I would be going back and forth on a big decision, realizing that my tarot cards could give me some guidance. She showed up in my journal when things got really hard and confusing. She showed up in music when it would sync up with the activity I was doing and it would become the “soundtrack of my life movie”. As I built my photography business, I created space for others’ girlhood to come out - dancing with fabrics, playing with makeup, creating stories & characters, being silly, creating community, and making beautiful art together. But I was still hesitant to admit that I needed those things as well.
And this constant dismissal of the girl I wanted to be, I am realizing now, is what contributed heavily to my burnout in 2018/2019.
When you are someone who is wired for softness, daydreaming, creating, and intuitive guidance (even if you don’t like to admit it) and you find yourself in an entrepreneurial situation of #hustleculture and #girlbossing it tends to impact you: physically, emotionally, mentally & spiritually. This dismissal of my girlliness, the deep talons of diet culture making me think that I knew better than my body, and the high I got for achieving things that gave me validation, recognition, and “love” caused me to override both my intuition and my glorious bod. When the pandemic hit, my body was unrecognizable (not her fault, she was just trying to keep me alive), my heart was empty, and I knew something had to change. With the forced break provided by the global panini, I had the opportunity, like most people, to remember who I was before I was just a productive, high achieving member of society. I started having actual hobbies again. I read books outside on the lawn and would watch clouds pass overhead. I was creating so much fun stuff as a result of the break away from my work. I began to sit with myself and be honest with myself.
