Emotional Empathy
Have you ever put on an outfit that you felt bold in, but still felt a little insecure? Then, when you went out and someone was checking you out or you could feel a certain energy on them you thought “Oh God, they are thinking [insert not so nice words].” Chances are, you have let emotional empathy take the reigns - interpreting someone’s feelings and then filtering them through YOUR own thoughts.
Welcome to Emotional Empathy.
Two nights ago, I was going reconciling some accounts and I realized that I had a whole chunk of money missing from one of my sources. Cue instant panic. I looked on the platform to find out where the money had been going, but I couldn’t find anything. I scoured their help desk to see what it SHOULD look like and where I could figure this out. I sent an email to them asking how I could view my payouts.
It was around mid - email that my husband came upstairs and I relayed to him that not only was a recent payment missing….but payments from the last 3 years! I could feel his energy change - as it does when we talk about money - and immediately, I felt hurt, sad, and disappointed. He started asking blunt questions about what I’d tried, what had I done so far, etc. and each time he phrased something my irritation rose another level, alongside my embarrassment.
I knew from his energy that he was thinking “How could she let this happen….again?” and “How stupid do you have to be to miss this amount of money?” even though the words coming out of his mouth were more logical and resolution focused, I could just feel there was something different and I shooshed him out of my room so I could resume hyper focusing on what I had just done.
The following day, I continued my sleuthing in the Case of the Missing Money and after a few emails, phone calls, and helpful support staff, I was able to track down this money that I had been missing! Phew! Once I transferred it into my ACTUAL account, I ran downstairs to tell my husband the good news! I sat on the landing of our stairs (where I usually do, to share news) and told him that the money had been found in an old paypal account. As soon as I told him that, he started in with “Here’s how we prevent this in the future…” and I cut him off by saying:
”Listen. Last night when you came in to help me, while your mouth was saying one thing your energy was saying something else and I know you think I’m stupid and I’ve disappointed you.”
At this point, I could see Ryan’s face fall and tears well up in his eyes. “What? I would NEVER think that about you. Have you ever heard me say that about anyone?? Here’s what was actually going on in my head while I was beside you: ‘I know if I offer too much support, she’s going to yell at me - but if I offer not enough support, she might feel like I’m not helping - so I’m not sure what to do here aside from stand beside her awkwardly until she tells me otherwise;.”
And at THAT point I realized - I interpreted his energy to mean something that I had felt/experienced before. MY thoughts about myself had shapeshifted into the form of my husband. The things I thought he believed about me - were things I thought about myself. These were things my Dad had said to me when we’d be doing math homework or when I’d make a mistake. I took my husband’s energy and made a story about it which gave me a scapegoat for the thoughts that lingered in my head - say hello, to Emotional Empathy. I turned my husband into this horrible partner, who thought horrible things about me - HE WOULD NEVER!! He is the kindest, most patient, and loving human ever - but I felt his energy (empathy) and this triggered a memory in me (probably of my Dad’s energy who had a hard time helping me with homework) and I created a story about what my husband was thinking/feeling - but the reality was, those were my thoughts that I assigned to the feeling (Emotional).
I apologized to my husband that I would ever think so little of him and I gave him a hug and asked for forgiveness after which, we both decided to chat about best ways to help me when I am hyper-focused on a problem that makes me disappointed in myself. We both agreed that it would be best if I could tell him what I need from him (kind words or fix it) when I am going through something like that so that I can work through it my way, without projecting my thoughts and stories onto him (thus making me yell or be mad at him).
Emotional empathy is sneaky as heck and it’s important for us to come back to “Do I know this to be 100% true?” because chances are good that you don’t truly know what people are thinking about you, if they are thinking about you at all. Our gift as empaths, is to feel what others feel - our gift is not to interpret what they are feeling. Instead, we can employ what is known as COGNITIVE EMPATHY or EMBODIED EMPATHY: The ability to feel what someone is feeling, but realize that it isn’t yours and instead - ask them questions around what you notice: “What are ya thinking about right now?” Be in the present with them, instead of filtering your past onto them.
