To Be (Seen) or Not To Be (Seen) - Pt 3

Why do I desire it?

In the last installment on the topic of being seen, I wanted to share some exploration I’ve done around why I, and so many other folks desire the very thing that terrifies them. For most of us, being seen is rooted in developmental trauma where at one point as our brains were forming, we cried out and our parents never showed up to help us - it doesn’t mean they were neglectful or actually traumatizing - it means they were human trying to juggle a thousand things in addition to caring for a baby. I spoke about developmental trauma in my facebook group and the parents in the group felt that I was judging them or making them feel bad for not tending to their baby’s every needs, but the reality is we are just humans raising humans and so there are going to be things that will be missed. If we can all acknowledge that we are doing our best AND sometimes things happen, we can rid ourselves of the shame. It’s more common than not.

In any case, now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s look deeper into this. As a small child who for whatever reason determined that she got love/attention by being out of sight and out of mind (I was the “good kid” who had less outbursts and just tried to fly under the radar). As a result, my needs as a child/human were that I desired being seen/held/touched BUT my development as a child/human determined that my survival was dependent on staying out of the light: I desired the very thing I feared.

This was my first indication that being seen was not “safe” (even if it wasn’t true).

Fast forward to my younger years in school, being seen meant being teased and already being the biggest kid in the class I was very much SEEN. Being seen resulted in me being humiliated and physically harmed. Humiliation processes the same in the brain as physical pain and therefore I once again associated being seen as being unsafe.

As I got older and received accolades and applause for being seen for doing “the right thing” - ie. the things other people thought were “good” - I became dependent on that. I was rewarded for being smart, for being kind, for being caring, for being empathetic, etc. These are all great things, but the fear of being seen for being the opposite of those things is what put the pressure on.

Who would I be if I wasn’t smart? - > I need to be right, always.
Who would I be if I wasn’t kind? - > I need to say the right thing and do the right thing every time.
Who would I be if I wasn’t empathetic - > I need to avoid being seen as selfish or self absorbed.

And so, I hold myself back from being seen in general, because the pressure of other people thinking I’m wrong, thinking I’m not smart, thinking I’m unkind, thinking I’m selfish was too much.

But I remember asking someone I really admire who is constantly in the spotlight how they handle the haters and she said:

”If they think I’m a bitch, then I’m a bitch. It’s not my job to change their mind. I’ve got more important things to focus on - like helping people make money and become confident!”

This was impressive.
And clearly something I never forgot.

I don’t think I’m at the stage where I can let go of what other people think of me, but I am at the stage where I am working through why that is.

Again, I think understanding that I can’t be the perfect PR person for myself and while I can set expectations, I am not responsible for other people’s reactions to me - I just need to keep showing up for those that truly need me.