The Waiting
The other day I had to get my blood test done because of all my hormonal issues that have been happening the past 2-3 years. While I’m not a fan of watching blood being removed from my body that isn’t the worst. And it isn’t even the right after that’s the worst. The worst starts happening when you get an email from your clinic telling you that they need to speak to you regarding your results but you can’t see or talk to them until a week later.
THIS is the worst.
This is the waiting.
You know something isn’t right, but you don’t know what it is or what to do about it - so you try your best to avoid WebMD and forums and asking for insight on the internet. You know that if your doctor wants to talk to you, it must be important and important means bad, right? But if it can wait a week, can it really be that bad? And what if it isn’t bad at all?
This in between of knowing and not knowing and waiting to know it like a psychopath’s version of Monkey in the Middle. Trying to convince myself that everything is fine and will be what it is and it’s just information to help me guide my habits/life going forward while spinning around and teetering on the edge of “That’s it - it’s been a good ride.”
The voice creeps up - What if that isn’t ‘just information’? What if it’s a terrible diagnosis and then you need a bunch more tests but you are gone on a roadtrip/vacation for essentially 3 months, so what are we going to do about that? What if you have to cancel everything and shift your entire life and you will get sick and be uncomfortable and then…. Then, we start future tripping.
All of this is incredibly uncomfortable and inconvenient, so what do we do about it?
We look at the facts.
I have to speak to my Doctor in a week.
That’s it.
We know we can do that.
Nothing else matters.
We focus on what IS, not what COULD BE.
We take away the anxiety by not focusing on past blood tests/experiences of myself or others as well as catch myself worrying about things that we don’t even know to be true.
We say “What is the information I have right now. Apply an appropriate response to the information you have received.” In light of new information, my state will alter of course - but there is no sense in being scared with the information I do have at the moment.
This is the waiting.
Even if it’s not about diagnosis’ or doctors, the waiting is always the same.
It presents us an opportunity to future trip or grip to the past - but ultimately, it’s up to us to decide whether or not we want to stay in the present.
