You Can’t Make People Love Themselves
Photographers, we need to have a chat.
I need you to step away from the “I MAKE PEOPLE LOVE THEMSELVES” cliff.
Hear me now:
YOU CANNOT MAKE SOMEONE LOVE THEMSELF
Repeat after me:
I CANNOT MAKE SOMEONE LOVE THEMSELF
Okay, good, now let me explain why you believing you can is hurting you AND your client.
By convincing yourself and your client that YOU are responsible for their self love you are simultaneously stripping away their power AND putting all the blame on yourself for when it inevitably doesn’t work. I mean, when you have a client or clients that dislike their photos or can’t love the way they look, how did it make you feel? And I don’t mean you feeling sorry for them, I mean YOU feel bad or think that YOU did something wrong (even thought you didn’t - you created art and provided an epic service like you always do)
Far too often I see photographers panicking and running to Facebook groups for validation that their work is “good enough”, “valid enough”, “perfect enough” because a client had a hard time loving themselves in an image. This creates doubt within you, my dearest Creative. That doubt will fuel some part of sinister pain within you that will cause you to think less of yourself and now your client’s feelings of not feeling good enough have trickled into you, which will trickle into the next client, and so on and so forth until we all are sad.
PHEW.
I’m tired just thinking about that.
This is why:
IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO MAKE PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE WITH THEMSELVES.
Your job can be to create an amazing experience, top notch customer service, give phenomenal self love advice and suggestions, capture glorious images, and make space for the complex feelings that come along with seeing oneself in photographs - BUT THAT’S WHERE IT ENDS.
I let my clients know before they even book that it is next to impossible to undo 20+ years of negative self talk/beliefs in 1 session. Can it help? Sure - but only if the client is willing and ready to let it help. I set this expectation for the client (I don’t want them assuming “Yer a wizard, Teri” and will fix all their insecurities with a photoshoot because I know it is impossible) AND I set it for myself (I don’t want me to believe that I am single handedly responsible for fixing someone’s thoughts - that creates a co-dependency that I am not about). I truly want to plant the seeds of change, but ultimately, my clients have to be the ones that harvest them. I give them the tools, the resources, the suggestions, and the whole DIY self love instruction book (It’s called The Geode Theory), but it’s up to them to decide if they want to a)do the work and b)believe that they are worth the work.
I can’t do that for them.
The other thing that happens, when we make ourselves responsible for someone’s self love:
WE MAKE IT ABOUT US.
By asking “What did I do wrong?” “How could I have done more?” “What should I do now?”
We make THEIR discomfort all about US, shifting us away from being able to navigate them through the gauntlet of self negativity.
However, if you can be confident in your work and the experience you are providing your client, you will be able to show up as the professional you are and be there for them. You can ask questions, get curious, reassure them, hold space for the feelings, and make room for discussion that evolves past “I don’t like the way I look in photos”
But if all you can think of is how YOU failed, then you won’t get any further than apologizing, possibly offering a reshoot and sending your client on their way.
