What I Learned From My Month of Selfies
If you follow me on Instagram, you know that once the code red lockdown hit in Winnipeg, I embarked on a journey of daily self portraits called #selfieisolation. This project turned out to be so much more - it was part photography adventure, but also part story collection as I recounted 31 stories of my life where I realized who I was, by finding out who I wasn’t. In time this content WILL be turned into a book, but in the meantime, here are some lessons I learned while creating in my basement.
I work best with constraints
I already kinda knew that I thrived when I am forced to work within constraints and this was the whole reason I created the Universe Decides cards to help other photographers create within boundaries. Having to work in a small 7x7ft space with a tiny window as my light source was frustrating at first, but then became an amazing adventure. I created some of my best work in a long time in this basement and I think it’s because of the ol’ Tim Gunn saying I had to “make it work”.
2. I don’t need fancy shit to create great work
This was a good lesson for me to learn. Over the past few months I had revisited work from when I first moved into my studio and I had been utilizing hand me down furniture and A LOT of empty space due to lack of budget and my work was fucking amaaaazing. My studio is now full of my dream furniture, sets, and backdrops and while it is beautiful - it is unnecessary. It’s just stuff and it wasn’t the stuff that made my work great - it was my ability to make things work that made my work great. Using simply a backdrop stand, random fabric I had lying about the house, and some paper backdrops my self portraits slayed the game this year. I recognized after the first lock down that my studio was just full of stuff - beautiful stuff - but, STUFF. I remember feeling like I needed to have the nicest sofa, the most glorious set designs, and the fanciest wardrobe for people to like me and invest in what I was offering - shockingly that didn’t work. When I get back to the studio after this lock down, I think we will be doing some clearing.
3. Having a desired goal is okay, but letting go of that outcome is better
One of the things I learned reeeeally quickly was that I had to let go of the outcome and just enjoy the process of what could be. As I tried to force a certain outcome, the worse my images became, but if I opened myself up to trying new things that’s when I tapped into the magic. The images I created may have been further from the original goal, but they were images I was meant to make by just going with the flow and the process. I realize that engaging in the process and creatively trying and experimenting is helluva lot more fun that forcing something to work.
4. Spending time with myself every day creating SOMETHING is necessary
During the hour or so that I spend building the sets, taking the pictures, and flitting around trying different things I must be present. This allows me to focus on what IS as opposed to what will be or what was. This alone time whilst creating, I noticed, gives my brain time to percolate and I am able to think things through while I am focused on the technical aspects of the set up. This time to myself has proven to be invaluable in helping me reconnect with myself and who I want to be.
5. There’s no room for ego in the basement
When I first set up my stuff in the basement and started taking photos I was incredibly frustrated. I second guessed my photographic skills and I became panicked at the thought that I had lost all of my skills. What happened, I realized, was that I was trying to create like I would create IN THE STUDIO, IN THE BASEMENT. I was kind of cocky that the skills I use in the studio would just magically transition over - but they didn’t. The light was different and more focused. The space was smaller and needed more adjusting in post. The tripod could only be at certain heights and I couldn’t just move it an extra few feet away because of the space. I started off these portraits with excess - lots of fabric, lots of texture, lots of STUFF that I thought would just translate like they do in the studio - but they didn’t. My favorite photos from this series are the ones where I am naked - stripped of all the stuff. In addition to the vulnerability of talent, I also exposed my body. My whole body. Every day I was pantsless in the basement and I saw my body from every conceivable angle. I saw the angles that we are taught are not worthy of documentation (I kept those). I saw how my body has changed since the beginning of the year. I saw how my body has adjusted since my 20s. There was no room for ego here because each of the photos I captured were simply a split second of time, documenting me as I am - not as I desire myself to be.
Since I am still in lockdown, I think I will continue to take these self portraits, if not just to help me stay sane. I have also enjoyed the writing process of the instagram captions for this project because it allowed me to share parts of me that I have felt ashamed of for a very long time and I recognize how important those stories are to help other people feel not so alone. While I may not do a self portrait EVERY day in the next month, I will still find ways to be creative and spend time with myself.
