I Didn’t Belong (Until I Decided I Did)
It was Oct 2021, just a few short months after I had first met the epic Sue Bryce in person and was invited to host a “body positivity” bay at The Portrait Masters Shootout event - the first one since the pandemic. A few weeks before I was set to go, I received a call from Sue letting me know that I was going to be disappointed because the biggest model they could find for me was a size 14. Without hesitation I said “I’ll run the booth and I’ll model!” And it made sense. I am far enough along in my body image journey that regardless of the skill of the photographer, the images weren’t going to make me fall apart with self criticism and I was a size 22 - which is hard to find in the professional modeling world. A few weeks prior to the event, this was a great idea. The first day, however, was a bit of a different story…
I had made the decision that I wouldn’t wear makeup, nor would I have my hair professionally done because that’s not how I am 99% of the time and that’s not how I do my self portraits, so why would I change now? I gathered up my goods: a Target bag full of handmade robes in various colors & flowy fabrics, a couple of my favourite dresses from the thrift store, and a few nude sets of undies from Torrid and I set course to the venue. This was going to be my first time at such an amazing event and I had heard rumours about the excellence with which The Portrait Masters & Sue Bryce put these events together - I was excited. Nervous, but excited. This would also be my first time standing in front of a room in my underwear, prancing around like a half naked fairy.
As I found my way to the model room, my heart thumping louder with every step, I felt a cloud come over me. I gazed around the room and saw professional models, all relatively petite, with glamorous makeup, beautiful flowing hair, and racks and racks of couture clothing.
”You don’t belong here.”
I looked around, realizing those words came from myself. I could feel myself wilt.
As I walked past the food table, the voice in my head got louder.
”YOU DON’T BELONG HERE.”
And in that moment, I had a choice. I could listen to that thought and believe it. Letting that cloud hang over my head, impacting my posture, my mood, and how I saw the event before me.
OR
I could talk back to myself.
I chose this option.
“Why are you here?” I asked the voice in my head.
"To show people that plus size folks can be photographed confidently and without shrinking or avoiding certain bits…”
"And can you do that with the thought you are currently having?”
"Well…no. I probably won’t show up very confidently if I believe the thought I don’t belong.”
"So, what thought could you have?”
"Hmmmm….if I didn’t belong here, I wouldn’t be here. I am here to hype people up, help them feel good about their bodies, & show them that size does not impact confidence!”
"Excellent - put on your undies and let’s go hype some folks up!!”
Over the next few days, I danced and played and modeled like no one’s business and when it came time for the reviews, it turns out our shooting bay was one of the ones people fell in love with the most. Sure, it may have because of my fancy self portrait skills coming to life for other photographers, but I think it’s because I shifted my focus from myself to what I could do for the people in front of me. I think, because I decided to challenge the thought in my mind and remember what and who I was there for, I was able to focus on what was most important:
MAKING PEOPLE FEEL SEEN & EMPOWERED.
The reason why I share this story is because I don’t think I’m the only person who has had thoughts like “I don’t belong here” run the show. In fact, I think it’s more common than not and I want you to know that when that thought does surface - you do have a choice. You can choose to believe it, but chances are it won’t end the way you desire OR you can choose to challenge it by remembering who and why you are where you are. Don’t let that inner soundtrack win, because then you will be denying people the vibrance of your energy or the brilliance of your humour, or to even see themselves in your physical form: One of the photographers burst into tears as I was modeling and when I rushed over to her to ask her what was wrong she said “Your arms are my mom’s arms - and she just passed away a few weeks ago. It was like I saw her again for a moment.”
The point is - you never know why you are where you are or who you are going to impact. When those nerves or fears pop up, the best thing you can do is redirect the negative self talk to love for the room you are about to walk into and ask:
What do they need from me?
