I Almost Let My Body Stop Me From Having Fun
If you’ve been here for awhile, you know by now that body image is kinda my thing. I’ve been breathing this work since I was little, but intently and some may say intensely, for the past 12 years. As such, one would assume that I no longer have body image insecurities or that my body image never gets in the way of me doing things I want to do.
Well…you’d be wrong.
A week or so ago I had the privilege of having my niece come to stay with us for the first time alone! I was so excited and when I asked her what she wanted to do, she listed off a few things: the Calgary Zoo (epic), seeing the mountains (magical), downhill gokarting (say WHAT?)… I felt my stomach rise into my throat. Downhill gokarting? That sounds terrifying. When I told her that sounded like a good thing for her and Uncle Ryan to do together, her smile drooped a little and she said “I really want you to come!”
Now, perhaps part of her saying that was so she could laugh at my fear, but maybe it was also because she wanted to do something fun with me. Regardless, I wasn’t sure what to expect and oh god, what if we arrived and they had a weight limit and I wasn’t allowed to go? That would be embarrassing. It’s just easier for me to say no now. So, I shrugged and said “I don’t know…” Now, thankfully, Ryan pulled up a video so I could see what I was getting myself into in the event that I decided to go and it looked pretty easy and not so scary. But I was still worried about there being a weight limit. Ryan did some research and there wasn’t! So, I decided I’d give it a go. And my niece was super excited that we’d be doing it together.
When we eventually got through the long line on a very hot day, we boarded the chairlift to get to the top and I was finally able to see just how small the gokarts were. I made a self deprecating joke about my body and I caught myself right away - what was I teaching Madi? I realized in that moment, I had the opportunity to create evidence for her (and me) that most often it is our thoughts about our bodies that get in the way of us doing things and I told her what I had been worried about, but I worked through the fear to do it anyway. And as I coasted down the hill on my tiny go kart I was enjoying myself (even though her and Ryan were racing each other). I loved the feeling of coasting, the hot sun and cool breeze, hearing the laughter of folks of all ages and sizes, and just generally…living! I can’t believe I almost stopped myself from having this experience.
As part of the experience, we got photos of our time zipping down the hill and upon first seeing my photo all I thought was “Oh god…look at my stomach”, a throwback thought to my youth. Once I heard myself think that, however, I employed the steps that I teach folks in my 6 Weeks to Embrace Yourself in Photos and I looked at the full context and what the photo represented. It represented that I didn’t let fear or negative thoughts about my body stop me from having a fun day with my niece and husband. It represented a joyful experience doing something new. It represented me sitting in a gokart. That’s it.
The thing I often tell folks is that while sometimes our bodies do stop us from doing things (like, in the event that an activity has a weight or height limit), more often than not it is our thoughts about our bodies that cause us to have the anxiety & fear. Anxiety around whether or not the activity/environment is set up for bodies like ours and fear that we will be humiliated or judged for how our bodies look doing said activity/existing in said environment. And this is all valid, however, it can come at the expense of making memories with your family, friends and otherwise. For myself, I try to think about how me showing up and doing the thing will impact other people - even if folks are uncomfortable with seeing a body like mine doing XYZ, it’s giving them evidence that bodies like mine CAN do XYZ.
