BOOK REVIEW: The Courage to Be Disliked
One of my reads from February was The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga - I had picked it up when I was in the airport in Brisbane getting ready to head to Perth. When I picked it up and saw that it was written more like a script than a traditional development book, I almost put it back on the shelf, but then I flipped to a page and stopped at a segment that had the following:
Youth: It certainly is a fascinating argument. But focusing on people who suffer from stammering seem like a rather special example. Could you give me any others?
Philosopher: Well, another would be the workaholic. This, too, is an example of a person who is clearly lacking in harmony of life.
Youth: A workaholic is? Why is that?
Philosopher: People who suffer from stammering are looking only a part of things, but judging the whole. With workaholics, the focus is solely on one specific aspect of life.
They probably try to justify that by saying, ‘It’s busy at work, so I don’t have time to think about my family.’ But this is a life-lie. They are simply trying to avoid their other responsibilities by using work as an excuse. One ought to concern oneself with everything, from household chores and childrearing, to one’s friendships and hobbies and so on; Adler does not recognize ways of living in which certain aspects are unusually dominant.
If you aren’t aware of my addiction to work, then let this post be your first introduction to that side of my life. Naturally, this segment hit me hard and that’s all it took for me to add the book to my already stuffed backpack before hopping on my plane. I look forward to reviewing this book with you and introducing a new format for these types of posts, seeing as I’ve also changed how I read books - aiming to be more intentional. My book reviews will always come with the same “questions” to keep things concise and easy.
Book title: The Courage to Be Disliked: The Japanese phenomenon that shows you how to free yourself, change your life and achieve real happiness
Book author: Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga
Favorite part of the book: What I really loved about this book is that I was introduced to an additional founder of psychology that I had never heard of before: Adler. This sent me down some bunny trails to look into a psychology methodology that is less focused on the past and more focused on what is. An example given in the book is in the following statement:
”to think to myself He hit me that time, and that is why our relationship went bad, is a Freudian aetiological way of thinking. The Adlerian teleology position completely reverses the case-and-effect interpretation. That is to say, I brought out the memory of being hit because I don’t want my relationship with my father to get better.”
I also resonated with the “Youth” in the story, starting out frustrated and angry at their situation looking to disprove the “Philosopher” in order to maintain their victimhood. The Youth represents my ego and the Philosopher represents my Higher Self or, should I say, my Authentic Self. Whenever I find myself stuck or down on myself, it’s easy to look outside of myself to blame external factors, but I have come to realize that at the very least acknowledging the part I play gives me back some of the control.
What was my favorite quote:
Philosopher: Maybe it is easier to live in such a way as to satisfy other people’s expectations. Because one is entrusting one’s own life to them. For example, one runs along the tracks that one’s parents have laid out. Even if there are a lot of things one might object to, one will not lose one’s way as long as one stays on those rails. But if one is deciding one’s path oneself, it’s only natural that one will get lost at times. One comes up against the wall of ‘how one should live’….Does one choose recognition from others, or does one choose a path of freedom without recognition? It’s an important questions — let’s think about it together. To live one’s life trying to guage other people’s feelings and being worried about how they look at you. To live in such a way that other’s wishes are granted. There may indeed be signposts to guide you this way, but it is a very unfree way to live. Now, why are you choosing such an unfree way to live? You are using the term ‘desire for recognition’, but what you are really saying is that you don’t want to be disliked by anyone.
Things I responded to: I loved feeling the calm, centered nature of the philosopher in the face of the over-heated, sometimes belligerent youth. It is a good example of how to stay emotionally regulated while in conversation with someone who is coming to the table seemingly unwilling to listen.
Another quote that I really loved:
”An adult, who has chosen an unfree way to live, on seeing a young person living freely here and now in this moment, criticises the youth as being hedonistic; of course, this is a life-lie that comes out so that the adult can accept his own unfree life. An adult who has chosen real freedom himself will not make such comments, and will instead cheer on the will to be free.”
Something in the book that stayed with me: People will dislike me, but that’s none of my business.
Youth: Are you free, now?
Philosopher: Yes, I am free.
Youth: You do not want to be disliked, but you don’t mind if you are?
Philosopher: Yes, that’s right. ‘Not wanting to be disliked’ is probably my task, but whether or not so-and-so dislikes me is the other person’s task. Even if there is a person who doesn’t think well of me, I cannot intervene in that. To borrow from the proverb I mentioned earlier, naturally one would make the effort to lead a horse to water. But whether he drinks or not is that person’s task.
Ideas explored by the author:
-do not rebuke OR praise
-horizontal relationships > vertical relationships
-your tasks are your own, other people’s tasks are theirs and they should never cross
-we are not the same, but we are equal (including children)
-competition gets in the way of one being themselves
-when people are challenging you (regardless on what subject), it is only a mere power struggle
-love is freedom and freedom is love
-live for yourself
-how we use the past to help us create a reality that “serves” us no matter how uncomfortable
-we are in community with everything. What happens to the world around us, happens to us
-have confidence and continue believing in people no matter how they treat you
-contribute to others but do not sacrifice the self
-self acceptance leads to confidence in others which leads to contribution to others which comes back to self “I am of use to someone just as I am”
-we strive to be seen as special by acting “good” or “bad” because we don’t think we are enough as we are
-life is here and now
Book rating: 4/5
