6 Ways I Show Myself Love
I know, I know….we’ve been force fed the idea that we need to fall in love with ourselves that sometimes it seems like there is barely enough time in the day or our lives to do it - so this isn’t going to be some topical shitty list of things that will temporarily distract you from how much you dislike yourself or your body - but rather, I am going to focus on the things that I continually do to help me navigate this wild ride called life while also building a business and being in a partnership that help me love myself unconditionally.
And no, it isn’t bubble baths.
(though, the tend to get a lot of hate for no reason - they can be nice from time to time!)
I give myself permission to not love myself
I think this is important for me to start with because it kind of sets the stage for all the other things that will follow, but giving yourself permission to have off days is one of the most compassionate and courteous ways you can in fact, love yourself. (Sounds backwards, I know) This means that when I have a negative body thought, a few days of being unproductive (which I associate as being negative), etc. I just remind myself that this is a temporary space and it isn’t who I am. I acknowledge what is happening, get curious about the context that created it but I don’t hold it over myself as a form of shame. I understand that all feelings are temporary and if I need a reminder of this, I think of someone I love intensely (my husband, sister, mom, etc.) and I remember that somedays I don’t like them or am mad at them, but I know it’s usually a temporary feeling created from an external context.
2. I learned how to set boundaries (even if I’m not perfect at it all the time)
I’ve always stepped over my own boundaries in order to please the people I care about or to get people to like me/stay. This meant not having a structured schedule in my business, saying Yes when I definitely should have said No, and being wishy washy about expectations (of myself and of others). Again, I will refer to number 1 because I am the type of person that requires learning a lesson a few times before the boundary gets put in place and when that used to happen, I would feel shame and use the experience to reinforce old stories about myself (being too needy, not good with money, bad at business, etc.) Every year, my boundaries get firmer and firmer.
3. I started taking care of my body (even when it’s difficult)
I’ve talked about this before, but even though I was being body positive, I wasn’t being positive with my body. I wasn’t listening to her, I wasn’t accommodating her needs, and I definitely wasn’t showing her self care. But about 3 years ago, I heard a REALLY loud internal voice say “GET MOVING” - and in that moment, I knew if I didn’t…I may not be here to write this. Now, before everyone uses this as a means to say “SEE BEING FAT IS UNHEALTHY”, nope….NOT MOVING IS UNHEALTHY. It was really hard for me to get my body back to moving…it hurt. I was stiff - I mean, I had been sitting at my desk for 8+ hours a day consistently, eating take out all the time, and just ignoring my body altogether. But every day, I forced myself to go outside - I didn’t set a time limit, I didn’t set a distance - I just said “Move your body and get outside.” It was the slow, loving movement I needed to get me to realize that the movement didn’t just help my physical body, but also my creativity, my mood, my anxiety and all that good stuff. As the last few years continued, I started adding in more movement in the form of lifting weights, going on the elliptical and dancing. While I was doing this, I also started cooking more meals for myself and my husband (he does the dishes). We subscribed to a meal prep service called Good Food which was really helpful because I would get overwhelmed and this gave me a place to start. Within the last year, I have been taking initiative and doing my own cooking and the good thing is, both my husband and I are creatures of habit, so we like to eat the same things all the time which makes it waaaaay easier. I’ve also learned that habit stacking is the best way for me to do the things that are difficult for me. This means doing all the things that are difficult: moving my body, taking my supplements, drinking my water, reading a book BEFORE I go on my phone. I’ve also started powering down my phone an hour before bed and plugging it in in another room, allowing myself to get used to when my body wants to wake up. But again, I will refer to 1. for the days that I don’t do this perfectly. I don’t shame myself for not moving, for eating take out, or whatevs - instead I give myself a reprieve and remind myself tomorrow is a new day.
I should mention, I also started making and attending all of my doctor and dentist appointments. Taking care of myself includes servicing my body - if I service my car yearly, shouldn’t I, at the very least, service myself in the same way???
4. I do things just for fun (and I don’t monetize them…anymore)
There was a time when I didn’t think I could do anything fun because it was a “waste of time”. I fell hard into hustle culture which meant that I was reading and learning from folks that teach you to optimize, increase your productivity, bla bla bla - but they all missed an element that’s necessary for living: fun & play. Now, to be fair, it wasn’t until the last year or so that I really started to put this into action. Like most people, 2020 allowed me to see just how much fun I was missing in my life because I finally had time to reconnect with that side of myself. I try to play a wee bit every day. Whether it is drawing and doodling, reading magazines, or watching a silly show like The Circle on Netflix. There was a time when I was so caught up with my activism and “changing the world” that I forgot to bring joy into it and remember what I was fighting for. This winter, I’ve been sledding, snow trudging, and made snow angels with friends. The summertime calls for roadtrips, picnics, and playing in the park. Rainy days allow me nap, to play card games, and enjoy reading trashy romance novels. If you are like me, trying to change the world, don’t forget that sometimes the best way to change it is to play and have joy in a world that makes you think you can’t. Play and having fun in things that fill my cup allow me to love on myself - like taking someone on dates!
5. I learned to parent myself (even when I’m being a stubborn baby)
Learning how to reparent myself has been one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. This isn’t to say the parents I had were horrible, if anything, I think I won the parent lottery. I was blessed to have 2 parents that did their best to provide for us and remind us every day that we were capable of anything. That being said, all parents are humans as well and as our brains develop there are certain things we need that other humans might not be able to provide in the right moment that it is needed - and that is okay. As such, it is my job now as the adult to take a peek and see where “little Teri” is trying to start some shit and where is it getting in the way of me moving forward in the world. A few of the areas I learned to parent myself in was around money, scarcity, productivity, body image, and self value. Using the approach from #1, I never condemn those parts of me that show up with temper tantrums, instead I seek to learn more so that we might be able to come to a solution. More often than not the stories that little me learned are still driving the car, and now I need to let her know that I am in charge and we’ve got this - we are capable and we can figure it out! Taking care of my money mindset has been one of the most empowering and self love actions I’ve taken since reworking my body image because as we know, living in a capitalistic society, money = freedom and I LOVE freedom. I deserve freedom.
6. I look at myself & Talk to myself (even when it’s not always nice)
Self portraits, journalling, painting, and making art are the ways in which I connect with and talk to myself. I find that by spending time self coaching myself through some tough stuff via my art journal I am able to keep moving forward towards the goals and dreams that my intuition is craving. I came across my 2021 art journal the other week and I realized that I had essentially coached myself right into the position I am currently in right now. I was able to see what made me feel so stuck and how I moved through the emotions and thoughts that created the feelings. It was very cool. In addition, by looking at myself in self portraits I can’t help but fall more and more in love with myself. I love watching my body change, my soul change, my spirit change and sometimes it isn’t always beautiful, but it’s a constant reminder of the multi-faceted human I am and that I am allowed to experience multiple emotions. As someone who never let themselves previously be sad, be mad, be frustrated without trying to solve it or “get over it” these small spaces of time to create with myself allow me to sit in the discomfort of those feelings to realize they are just information - not good or bad. As mentioned before, as loving someone unconditionally, I don’t have to like what I see or experience, but I do want to respect it as a sign of respect for myself.
