What Happened When I Tried Breathwork For the First Time
This past week I had the pleasure of driving down to Edmonton (3 hrs from me) to visit my talented friend and BIBC Facilitator, Brina at her Edmonton Studio to record a segment on body image for her upcoming podcast. Prior to me coming down, she had asked if I’d be interested in staying for a breathwork session she was hosting after our time together and I told her I would love to, but it would depend if I was going to drive back home that evening or not. Me saying that was my nervous system trying to get me out of something before I agreed to it.
You see, breathwork and somatic healing have been 2 things on my list to experience in the past 2 years and I keep finding “other things to do”, but I know my procrastination is bullshit. Instead, the fear that comes up for me around those types of modalities is because of one thing: BEING WITNESSED IN A STATE OF LACK OF CONTROL. This is a whole other segment of body image that we don’t talk about very often - that diet culture taught us how to PERFORM in these bodies, instead of EXIST. Because a feral, uncontrollable woman is something to fear, so when we were being taught to tighten our abs, we were also being taught how to button ourselves up. A good woman doesn’t lose control. A good woman doesn’t shout. A good woman doesn’t grit and bare her teeth. A good woman doesn’t convulse, punch, kick, or bite. A good woman smiles politely. A good woman sits still. She never loses her temper and she certainly never lets them see her pain.
WELL, BREATHWORK & SOMATIC HEALING CONFRONT ALL OF THIS BULLSHIT.
I connected with our mutual friend Katie who offered me a place to stay, so now…I had no excuse. I would be there overnight regardless so why shouldn’t I take part in the breathwork session? I believe it was Higher Self Teri acting on behalf of Fearful Teri. After our podcast recording, Brina reconfirmed with me that I would be staying for the breathwork session and I informed her “Yes…but I’m nervous.” Now, one of the reasons I got myself to go do this with her at her event was because a)I got to know her at Body Image Bootcamp and all she wants is magic for every person she encounters, B)as part of her FB group I have witnessed firsthand the safety and trust she has built with her community and C)she has been so open about her own vulnerabilities the last year and had let us see her “soupy” bits in the form of tears, rage, and more ~ if anyone was going to be judgment free and safe, it was going to be Brina and the community she curated.
As we waited for the other attendees to arrive, we set the scene. We set up a table with oracle cards, roses and candles and prepped some ginger lemon tea on the stove. As the other glorious humans arrived, Brina slid seamlessly into facilitator mode and directed us gently to create our spaces on the floor with yoga mats or blankets. She let us know what we could expect to experience as part of the breathwork flow and filled us in on the theme: SELF LOVE.
Next, it was time to dive into the process. Brina let us know it was going to be about 45 minutes and then at the end she’d do some energy work on us. As I settled into my little blanket cocoon I had made, I could feel my body tense up at the unknown, but as the experience began, I was able to quickly shift out of my mind and into my body because I had to focus on my breath. We began with heart coherence breathing, doing 6 seconds in through the nose, 6 seconds out through the mouth. Slow and steady. As we continued breathing the facilitator began giving encouraging prompts to keep us focused and aware. After a few minutes of heart coherence, we then shifted to more of a fast paced breath for the next 30+ minutes where we repeated 2 quick inhales into the depths of our bellies and lungs and one more forceful exhale. As the music shifted and changed and our breathing picked up and each of us settled into our rhythms, it became hypnotic. My right leg began to tingle and feel electric (Brina told us that might happen) and it was interesting because I joked that all of my “bad” emotions were shoved into my right leg and the point of this breathwork is to move a lot of that energy up and through. I don’t remember too much from the full thing, but I do remember eventually saying out loud:
“You don’t need to be the protector anymore. You can let go of your protection. Let go. Let go.”
And as I laid on the floor, it felt like a big protective piece of armour separated from my upper body. The way I explained it to the women afterwards was, the release felt like I assume those little princess dolls that had the clip on clothes felt:
After that experience, I felt my whole body calm, relax, and feel soulfully exhausted. It was absolutely beautiful. As I was coming back to present, Brina came and put her hand on my shoulder and my head and that alone almost moved me to tears. To be nurtured by another woman felt so unbelievably beautiful and like I was reuniting something I deprived myself from most of my life. Now, I’m searching for retreats to heal my Mother and Sister Wound - allow myself to be held, nurtured, and healed with other women in an even softer way than I ever have before. That night, I slept so insanely sound at my friend Katie’s house. A combination of her comfortable, welcoming and warm home and the breathwork session done that evening.
A FEW DAYS LATER
A few days after that experience and returning home, I hadn’t really thought much about the experience aside from to rave about it when folks asked. BUT, I had someone scold me for something insignificant that I wasn’t solely responsible for and I could feel my usual instinct of PROTECTOR wanting to come forward to say “BUT IT WAS SO AND SO’S FAULT…” however, it was like I felt a reassuring hand on my shoulder saying “Shhhh. It really doesn’t matter. Just say OKAY, you don’t need to defend yourself. You no longer have to defend yourself. It’s okay.” I can’t help but believe that was due to the work we had done at the breathwork session. I’m excited to see what other places my protector tries to show up, but gets taken care by my Higher Self instead.
This 1 session has altered my belief system by allowing myself to be witnessed and not having the world crack open and swallow me up, like my brain kept trying to convince me would happen. I am excited to continue breathwork and various other forms of somatic healing because to me, this is the next evolutionary step in body image work: once we accept our bodies, we can now talk with them and once we can talk with them, we can collaborate with them to create the lives that we desire.
To learn more about the magical Brina, check her details out here and if you join her Muse Membership you get access to sweet things like breathwork sessions, courses, and more!!
