How It Feels To Be Emotionally Unregulated
Last night I returned home after being away for a month. My last plane was a bit late taking off, so I didn’t land until midnight thirty and after not seeing my husband for a month, it was lovely - but also kind of weird.
He’s been on a consistent schedule (for him) while I have been all over the map and normally, it would be about 3 days for us to settle back into a routine, but since we are taking off on a roadtrip in the next 5 days it just isn’t going to happen because we need to prep for that and for me to be gone for ANOTHER month.
So, today I naturally slept in until about 10am, which for me already sets me on the wrong foot. I feel like I “wasted” my day by sleeping in longer than I like to and so that was the first strike. As my husband tried to talk to me in the morning and wanted to be a bit handsy (I mean fair, we haven’t seen each other in a month and his love language is physical touch) I was getting a bit peeved (physical touch is NOT my love language plus, my nervous state was already frazzled from coming down from the conference I was at - this makes touch feel even more annoying).
Then it was time for me to run some errands:
Drop off my film to get developed (+1 point because it’s exciting)
Go for a massage (+1 point because it gets rid of the pain)
Go to the bank to take out money to transfer into pesos
Go to Currency Mart to transfer CAD to Pesos
Do a live in my Facebook group
Finish all my laundry
Start to pack
Edit photos from all the trips
The first 2 items went smoothly, but the following were less so. The first bank I went to gave me a hard time about withdrawing the money from my account, so I had to go to 2 banks to get the desired amount that I needed (-5 points). I could feel myself getting heated and tunnel vision, my jaw clenched as the lady kept trying to explain that what I was asking wasn’t possible (to withdraw money that is in my account…) I took a few deep breaths (+1 point), said thank you and went to the next bank to finish my transactions. The guy at the second bank essentially counted out $6000 worth of hundred dollar bills into piles and threw an envelope at me….essentially encouraing me to pile up the money and put it into the envelope myself (-2 points). At each bank I felt there was a lack of safety/privacy considering the amount of money I was withdrawing which only increased my threat level (-2 points).
At this point I was starving, so I went home to eat (+1 point) before hopping in the car to head to Currency Mart to exchange my dollars for pesos. On the way there I was trying to read something on my phone from a friend who had experienced some really shitty things and Ryan kept trying to talk to me - normally, when I am emotionally regulated I am able to multi task and listen and read at the same time. In this case, his voice was irritating me as I tried to focus on the intensity of the message I had received. On the verge of snapping, I told him I wanted to finish reading the message and then we could chat. If I hadn’t communicated that and he would have kept trying to get my attention, it would nooooot have been pretty.
Finally, we arrived to the mall and it. was. packed.
Like, I get that it’s raining out, but it’s a friday for fuck’s sake. (-10 points)
So, since I used up all my peopley in Phoenix I was jittery, feeling anxious and overwhelmed by the sounds and movement and the stupid flourescent lights. My heart rate was definitely increased and all I kept looking for was an exit - even though I know I had to go pick up my pesos.
Eventually, we made it through the gauntlet of humans to the Currency Mart where there were 2 tellers and a handful of people waiting around. I didn’t mind waiting because I knew my time would go quickly as I had pre-ordered.
WRONG.
I got to the teller and gave her the confirmation number and she spent the next 15 minutes looking in the same drawers, like she was magically expecting it to pop up. At which time, when there was nothing, she went to find the manager who simply said “sometimes the computer doesn’t put the orders through when you order online.” (-10 points)
While the manager and the teller thought about what to do next, the piercing screams of toddlers and children at the play center right outside of the Currency Mart made my nerves stand on end. I was about to flip my shit. It was just too much.
So.
I took a deep breath in for the count of 5.
Held it for 7.
Exhaled for 8.
I repeated this until the manager came back and told me that someone had accidentally cancelled my order and that I’d have to come back on Tuesday to get it. I am 1000% certain that if I hadn’t done that deep breathing I might have said or done something I would have regretted. I said “Thank You.” and then I left.
So, here’s what I feel like when I get emotionally unregulated:
Irritated without a catalyst - just an overall sense of pissyness
Increased heart rate
Ringing in my ears
Tunnel vision
Increased sights and sounds that feel overwhelming
Dry mouth
Biting my nails
Shorter breaths
Clenched jaw
By becoming aware of what my body does as it becomes more and more unregulated (because rarely is it just 1 instance that causes us to come undone) I am able to stay in control - reminding myself to breathe, stay calm, and repeat the mantra (I am just a consciousness having a human experience.) This allows me to stay in alignment with who I want to be (someone who makes people happy + empowered).
