Avoidance of Inconvenience

Today I went to mail about 20 packages at the post office. I purposefully chose a time that I knew they wouldn’t be super busy so I could avoid inconveniencing other people and when we got through about 10 of the packages, a customer came in. I could feel heat rise up in my body and I stammered:
”W-we can close out this transaction so he can jump in and mail his thing” - the postal lady was like “Okay?” and I felt my body relax.

After he left, we started scanning again and a few other people showed up behind me. The heat rose up in my body and again I was like “Should we stop and let them go?”

In this moment, the girl said “You are here to mail these and you deserve to mail them as much as the people behind you. Let’s just finish your mail." Her calmness and small smile made me feel calm as well — for a short duration. Eventually, my squidginess rose to the surface because I was inconveniencing the people behind me. As we scanned, I tried to make it more efficient - making sure I had the barcodes ready, the packages ready, etc. I could feel the sweat dripping down my back because I felt like the lady behind me was boring her gaze into the back of my head.

The key word is “felt” - she didn’t sigh or tap her foot or say any discouraging words. For all I know, she could have been happy for the break away from her work or family as she waited in the line. But the story I told myself was that I was an inconvenience and how dare I take up so much space and time with my packages! At one poine, I even brought my body into my thoughts by thinking “Oh, they probably this this fat lady is just taking up so much space like she always does.”

WHAT. THE. HELL?

That’s not their belief (that I know of)
That’s mine
As Taylor Swift says
”I’m the problem, it’s me.”

Convenient that I’m heading to a self value workshop this week.