I Didn’t Know What I Wanted [I just knew it wasn’t this]

So, about 3 years ago I was running a VERY successful boudoir business. I was making the kind of money I never thought was possible for some like me, doing a job like I was doing. And up until that point - I LOVED it. I loved meeting with clients, working through their body image/insecurities/fears and helping them see themselves in a different way. I loved styling and set design and creating stories and helping people liberate themselves of societal constraints. But something happened.

Maybe it was because I’m a Manifesting Generator (Human Design) or an activating achiever (Clifton Strengths), or maybe it was as simple as I was overworking and undercaring for myself and maybe it was a combination of all of the things. Either way, it doesn’t matter - all I know is that as of the end of 2018 I knew I wasn’t feeling the work the way I used to. I did, however, find love in teaching and creating courses and content and showing up to Body Image Bootcamp. My heart was pulling me in the direction of education, but my mind and feet were rooted to the ego fulfillment of running a successful photography business. But is it actually success if you hate it and yourself in the process???

And so, I stayed.
I liked the validation I got from clients and photographers and people stopping me on the street to say “Are you Teri Hofford?”
I enjoyed being able to say that I had 2 studios in the heart of Winnipeg and I traveled all over the world to teach and shoot.
In looking back - I wasn’t addicted to the success, I was addicted to the idea of being special. The middle child who felt overlooked and underheard and the fat person who was taught to make herself small FINALLY was being seen and heard and it felt good….outwardly.

But I wasn’t happy.
I might have been special - but I wasn’t happy with who I was or what I was doing.
When the pandemic hit I knew it was my reset button, but I also knew it was going to be difficult since I had to weather…you know…a pandemic. Everything came to a bit of a head in 2021. I had lost all motivation to market, to tell people what I do and the frustrating thing was I knew that I was transitioning to something else, but like roots tangled around a rock in the ground I was relentlessly hanging on. Which is why I had to let go of my studios. Which is why I had to say no to potential clients. Which is why I had to extricate myself from the industry a little bit at a time.

When I look back a year ago in November, I ran a Black Friday sale that we ended up fucking up completely. We gave 3 clients over 75% off of our highest collections by accident which means for 3 sessions I wouldn’t be making a profit - and that’s when I knew:

I didn’t know what I wanted, I just knew it wasn’t this.

In previous years when I’d fuck up or experience the inevitable inconveniences that come up when you are an entrepreneur, the passion was great enough to override them. November 2021 - I knew. I no longer wanted to run a photography business. I didn’t know what I wanted or what it looked like or how it was going to happen, I just knew I needed something different. It solidified me letting go of my studios this year in July. It confirmed my enjoyment of teaching and online course creation. But the hardest thing about moving on is that you usually want a safety net, a general plan or idea - but I never had one. I just knew it wasn’t this.

Now, here I am in November of 2022 and I am in a completely different place in my life than I was a year ago. I am still traveling a bit, but teaching less on the technical aspects of photography, but rather on the importance of self care, self value, and body image. I am photographing when I want to photograph people, but ultimately my focus is set to teaching, writing, and leading retreats. Self portraits have taken over my instagram feed and writing has become my ritual. I am focused less on accumulation (of people or things) and more on strengthening the relationships and intentionality of what I already have. I used to have this affirmation that said “Half the work and twice the money” and I still believe this is possible - I just had to realize that I can get twice the money, simply by not spending it on shit that I thought I needed to have to get people to like me. Interesting how that works, hey?

This long winded post is to encourage you that even if you don’t know what the next “step” is or what the following plan is, you can change your circumstance at any time. You don’t need to know exactly what you want you want to realize that the one thing you do know is that it isn’t this. You can make small changes - it doesn’t have to be drastic. It took my from 2018 to 2022 to create the transition that I was aching for. Shit takes time - but keep focused on your exit strategy and you will be fine. Keep looking forward.