Trying to Appease Our Parents
When I first talked about going on this road trip across Canada, I could tell that a lot of people in my inner circle - particularly, my mom - couldn’t understand why I would want to do it. Even now, when I talk to her while I’m on the road she doesn’t really know what to say about it and just asks polite questions but I can hear the deeper questions hidden in the tone of her voice around why I chose to pick up and take off for a few weeks.
At first it made me sad.
I’ve always told myself this story that “My Mom just doesn’t get me.” and after a few years of failed Christmas presents including an electric razor (I don’t really shave that often) and a used Keurig (I already had one) it was hard to think that I was exaggerating. I remember thinking I would rather get nothing at all, than to get things that remind me that she doesn’t know nor understand who I am.
She makes comments about how much I think or how often I think through things and it is the tone in her voice that hurts my heart: she doesn’t understand me.
But I’ve come to realize - She doesn’t have to understand.
Or rather: I don’t need her to understand.
Now, don’t get me wrong - my mom is awesome and strong and amazing - but she’s still human.
For a long time I felt that I needed to be the good daughter and the good sister.
This meant that I had to be available to visit my brother and sister and their kids at the drop of a hat or else I was irresponsible. (even though I chose not to have kids…)
This meant I had to spend time in spaces that made me feel uncomfortable just so I could do “the right thing” and “take the higher road” (despite my brother never even seeing where I’ve lived since moving to Winnipeg)
This meant anytime I went against this eco-system in favor of my own life I was told “This isn’t who you are.” (and I believed it)
But the more self awareness I gain, the more I realize that I don’t have to feed into these stories and I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to.
Worrying about what our parents think of us is rooted in our survival and desire to be loved - if we aren’t loved, we will be alone If we are alone, then we will die is what our fear center tells us.
But it isn’t based on TRUTH.
Is it possible my mom might abandon or be disappointed in my actions or behavior? Maybe. (but probably not)
Will she leave me to fend for myself? Perhaps. (But probably not)
Will I be alone? Possibly. (But probably not)
Will I die from it? Chances are slim. (But probably not)
The thing is I cannot control my mom or anyone else and I definitely cannot control what they think of me or how they react to me, so it’s kind of a waste of energy to be honest. I’d much rather spend that time doing what I know is needed in the now: relearning how to be present, encouraging folks to live life on their terms, sharing empowering messages on body image, self love, and choice to everyone I meet regardless where I meet them on this adventure, and doing what I am called to do.
I don’t need to explain it to anyone but myself.
I just need to show up and do.
Whether you are working through something similar - in that you are feeling bad about living YOUR life because of a close relative (parent or sibling) I encourage you to ask yourself “What perceptions does this person have about me that might be contributing to the identity I uphold for myself?” and “What would it mean if I did do the thing that they might not understand?” I think it’s important to understand that we are responsible for our lives and our own lived experiences and not everyone IS going to understand it. The best thing we can do is live our lives out to the best of our abilities and do the things that we feel called to do - if it’s in service of your highest self, not everyone will understand and that is okay - the only one that needs to be okay is you!
