Looking In The Wrong Place
3 years ago I made the decision to step away from my studio and pursue other avenues of interest like teaching, speaking and writing alongside my photography and 3 years I thought I would be able to seamlessly figure out what was “next.” Turns out, that wasn’t necessarily true. Or it was, but I just didn’t know it at the time. You see, one of the things that happened when I stepped away from being “a photographer” and wanted to be seen in my multi-faceted glory, was that I didn’t realize just how much my self value was tied to that identity. Stripping away my identity of “photographer” left me feeling vulnerable, naked, and unsure. As a result of that, I started to look to social media & google to help me figure out my next steps. From there it was just a steady slope of outsourcing my intuition to people who I perceived to know better than I, instead of spending that time with myself. Then, ChatGPT entered the chat (pun intended). Suddenly, I was looking everywhere but where I needed to be to figure out what I was doing wrong and what I needed to do to move forward.
And in doing so, I atrophied my intuition and self guidance system.
Like anything, it requires practice and using it for it to work effectively, but since the increase in social media usage and now with AI, I don’t NEED to use those parts of my brain and as a result within a few months I was feeling increasingly more insecure instead of better! I would adopt one suggested strategy and then see another come along and wish I could implement that. I frequently jumped from course to course, strategy to strategy, business plan to business plan and therefore, nothing had time to take root AND none of it was mine so it always fell flat.
Everything came to a head last winter. I unfollowed a ton of folks who were telling me how to do the things and started following ONE person that seemed to resonate with where I was - and their processing had less to do with strategies to follow and more to do with improving my relationship to my self and nervous system. I cancelled ChatGPT (for a lot of different reason - AI sucks and I hate how much they are marketing it to us…seems fishy). I started journalling again. I began creating things with my hands. I read all kinds of books beyond just strategy/business focused ones. And most importantly, I started to go inward to see how things FELT.
My mom had come to visit me in the spring to help me organize my business because I have SO many different revenue streams PLUS it was chaotic during tax time to try to figure out where all the invoices were going/coming from etc. When we sat down, we were working through my business plan when suddenly she was like “Let’s put all this data in ChatGPT and see what kind of business strategy/plan they suggest” and I told her “No.”
You see, I already had done that many times while I had my GPT subscription and I executed those plans exactly ZERO times, but my brain felt happy just in the prompting that I never actually followed through on the action. The time I spent continually following the threads the GPTs ask you to go down made the plan way to convoluted and big that I could no longer see the original spark that had started it all. It was now full of AI slop suggestions instead of a plan that was connected to my heart, soul, and gut. So, when my mom suggested using ChatGPT to do this again, I knew the answer was no.
Prior to ChatGPT & listening to everyone else, all of my success was because I followed my gut, my vision, and trusted myself. Even when things would flop (I now know I execute about 5 years earlier than the market is ready for lol), I kept going…using that as information instead of a meaning about myself. Part of the fun was having the idea, executing the idea and see what sparked and what didn’t and then carry the sparks forward to the next iteration of the business. And somewhere along the way - I lost that.
And as a teacher, I teach from the experience of action, not from the space of learning and consuming information. It is in the integration phase that I learn what works, what doesn’t, and how to tweak, perfect, shift gears, and move in a new direction. And thus, I wasn’t able to teach anything new because I wasn’t experiencing anything new - I was only reading about it or hearing it.
So, now I am in the process of getting that back, strengthening that intuitive part of myself and spending time doing a lot of slow, beautiful, and dreamy work. I am using my art journal and spending time keeping my hands busy doing embroidery, gardening, crafting, etc. so that my brain can process. I am daydreaming and imaging, spending time in conversation and responding to people, noticing trends in reality (instead of just social media), and participating in the world outside of my phone. I am using meditation, body scans, and driving without noise on to help me listen and restrengthen my intuition and inner guidance system. And I’m doing A LOT of self talk:
“I’ve done this before, I can do it again!”
“I’ve gotten through hard things before.”
“How can I move through this creatively?”
“What do I notice here?”
“Take this path for fun and just see what happens”
“Try it out! Let’s see what you learn!”
These types of statements get me taking action instead of searching for someone else I deem to have more answers than me. I also have 2 mentors in real life who guide me, a group of friends who support me unconditionally, a library card, and alone time with myself in the mornings and evenings to brainstorm, daydream, talk things through, learn things, and make fun connections!
And, when I outsource to people I don’t know in real life - I miss out on hilarious experiences like this chat with my mom regarding my business plan. This wasn’t just good for my business, it was also good for my soul:
